replying on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin
29 Jun 2007, 6:02 AM
yes and also; the orange sun is a reference to "Impression: sunrise" (and others using a similar technique) while it is also a nod to the rising influence of being able (through talent and advances in materials) to acheive the groundbreaking results he (and other impressionists) did. It's a, ah - "poetic device".
on A Tragic Love Tryst In The Park Near The Sewage Works by Edna Sweetlove
11 Feb 2007, 9:19 PM
more drivel - well crafted, but really - why bother. it's like gold-plating dog shit.
on Let's praise great Britannia's golden days of now and then by Edna Sweetlove
11 Feb 2007, 9:18 PM
blah - who cares about this nationalistic shite.
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
19 Jan 2007, 1:41 PM
welcome to the East Coast of these "United" States. I wave in your general direction.
on He's... by holliebollie_19
17 Jan 2007, 7:07 AM
I'd rather you write often, rather than worry too much about writing well, at this stage of the game.
on I heart you by thetrev
17 Jan 2007, 6:20 AM
not the usual fare, I like it overall. it either needs to be about a third shorter, or twice as long - you pick.
on Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer
17 Jan 2007, 6:01 AM
Greets and Congratulations.
on Hello Rockmage!! by SupremeDreamer
17 Jan 2007, 6:01 AM
Greets and Congratulations.
replying on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin
16 Jan 2007, 1:11 PM
You could have just said you were jealous, and be done with it.
on The dancers by richa
11 Jan 2007, 10:55 AM
wondering at the "I can see"s and the "I could see"
seems unnecessary.
and "under gravity" as is, doesn't provide much value, does it? Some beefier description of how the gravity works upon the dancer/stone. mebbe just a modifier for gravity; I don't know. "and then/[some simile of gravity], collapsing"/"then finding their feet"
still, I like it alot.
seems unnecessary.
and "under gravity" as is, doesn't provide much value, does it? Some beefier description of how the gravity works upon the dancer/stone. mebbe just a modifier for gravity; I don't know. "and then/[some simile of gravity], collapsing"/"then finding their feet"
still, I like it alot.
on Brains for Barter by Dovina
10 Jan 2007, 7:42 AM
You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o)
okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).
In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).
I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others).
In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story).
I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
on Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving
10 Jan 2007, 7:01 AM
A Doctor Zhivago reference? Ivan Komarovsky? But I'm thinking that since you are from New York, it might be Mirra? But you said "he" earlier. I dunno now.
I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago.
Maybe it's just some random guy.
Anyway - I like the poem
Post more things please.
I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago.
Maybe it's just some random guy.
Anyway - I like the poem
Post more things please.
on Exile in New Hamshire by AlexandraLeaving
10 Jan 2007, 6:46 AM
oh hey, I really like the tendons of this. Sure, some typos.
If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words.
and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure".
similarly - "vanquished" is iffy.
And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno.
Easily could be a 10 in my book.
If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words.
and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure".
similarly - "vanquished" is iffy.
And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno.
Easily could be a 10 in my book.
replying on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT
21 Nov 2006, 6:17 AM
By flow, in this context, I mean to lose oneself within the poem. To be carried from one line to the next without noticing the carriage return; line breaks become invisible.
Practically speaking, maybe the shorter lines aren't doing you any favors here and the shorter words certainly aren't. There are effective poems that do have very short lines but this is difficult to pull off (and I do think you've made some of those, too).
As I look at this poem as a whole, these bits pop: "38 year wine", "paperclip tangle", "give from the marrow", "grape juice"
Much of the rest is either lost in a preposition phrase, or diluted with a weak verb or adjective "spotless white robe", taps and spigots doing things, small plum balls (that's gotta hurt).
The more impact each word has the more easily the poem will flow as the reader is drawn from one thing to the next.
Practically speaking, maybe the shorter lines aren't doing you any favors here and the shorter words certainly aren't. There are effective poems that do have very short lines but this is difficult to pull off (and I do think you've made some of those, too).
As I look at this poem as a whole, these bits pop: "38 year wine", "paperclip tangle", "give from the marrow", "grape juice"
Much of the rest is either lost in a preposition phrase, or diluted with a weak verb or adjective "spotless white robe", taps and spigots doing things, small plum balls (that's gotta hurt).
The more impact each word has the more easily the poem will flow as the reader is drawn from one thing to the next.
on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT
13 Oct 2006, 12:32 PM
line breaks are odd, IT; pieces of this I like alot, but it doesn't flow for me.
trade more active verbs with "hold" "goes", "meet".
Missed opportunities, make all the words worth something.
trade more active verbs with "hold" "goes", "meet".
Missed opportunities, make all the words worth something.
on Soy Flat White with One by helenwales
13 Oct 2006, 12:26 PM
Computer generated? if so - a nine, otherwise (not)
on Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT
5 Oct 2006, 7:16 AM
I think "black maw" doesn't help things, but otherwise very well crafted.