on Ode to a Depleted Uranium Shell by Yardbird
5 Oct 2006, 7:12 AM
The action is well described, as is the projectile's intent - but the imagery is primitive.
on Upon the Battlefield by cleverdevice
5 Oct 2006, 4:22 AM
killed by a strife/life rhyme. Nobody uses the word strife and expects not to be eaten by bed-monsters, not even Frances Cornford.
on Surreal... by Yardbird
5 Oct 2006, 4:20 AM
insane. Funny.
on Peter by Wakeboarder20
5 Oct 2006, 4:19 AM
The boat metaphor comes out of nowhere, but otherwise I like the tone. Fairly cogent, too. Apply some poetic tools and it could find a wider appeal.
on Slow death by Blade
5 Oct 2006, 4:16 AM
A slow death? More like a day in the life!
on Untitled by PunkyPanda
4 Oct 2006, 6:59 PM
a scab implies a healing wound, no?
I'd like to see this said with fewer, more powerful imagery.
I'd like to see this said with fewer, more powerful imagery.
on Street Preacher by Dovina
4 Oct 2006, 6:57 PM
yep, I hate when I throw up words, especially "why"
let the words do a little of the work - there are too many here, methinks.
let the words do a little of the work - there are too many here, methinks.
on Innocence revisited by Caducus
4 Oct 2006, 6:54 PM
I read virginal as "vaginal", go figure.
on A Night out With Chaucer by cleverdevice
8 Aug 2006, 11:25 AM
brylliante
on I wish I was a chav by Stephen Robins
8 Aug 2006, 11:19 AM
a ending would be nice.
on Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT
9 Jan 2006, 7:39 PM
Quite great, mostly; I could do without "playing" and a few other doubly described words that keep this less poetic while staying poignant - a personal preference only.
on The cat who would fly by nentwined
12 Aug 2005, 1:01 PM
I very much like the ending - I think maybe too many small words pull the punch a bit.
on Oh this little mouse, love by cpill
18 Jul 2005, 1:49 PM
quite s/b quiet
Its s/b It's
"playful wrestles a glance and
and geez alright" - are the two "and"s intentional?
As with a few of your other poems, I like where you ended up, but not necessarily how you got there - or maybe it's the other way around; I can't tell.
Its s/b It's
"playful wrestles a glance and
and geez alright" - are the two "and"s intentional?
As with a few of your other poems, I like where you ended up, but not necessarily how you got there - or maybe it's the other way around; I can't tell.
I don't know D, I'm having trouble with the whole cow thing with the visibly enjoying the grazing to the running and mating.
Now that you've gone through the trouble of showing me his enjoyment I can't seem to anthropromorphize him to a plausible degree.
I love cows, I think they are cool and have a personality - but - I don't know. Another animal maybe?
Incidently I found out today why they put rings on cow's noses. The other reason.
Now that you've gone through the trouble of showing me his enjoyment I can't seem to anthropromorphize him to a plausible degree.
I love cows, I think they are cool and have a personality - but - I don't know. Another animal maybe?
Incidently I found out today why they put rings on cow's noses. The other reason.
on Falling from grace (pt1) by sk8rs_rule_all
30 Jun 2005, 10:40 AM
please don't describe a feeling with the word "feeling" in the description.
And don't say something inexpressible and then try to express it.
That's all I have for you - I can't barely get through the rest of it. Sorry. My God - use your words more precisely, use a simile or a metaphor. Make a poem for christs sake instead of an outline for one.
Never use "so" again.
And don't say something inexpressible and then try to express it.
That's all I have for you - I can't barely get through the rest of it. Sorry. My God - use your words more precisely, use a simile or a metaphor. Make a poem for christs sake instead of an outline for one.
Never use "so" again.
on Daytime TV by jessicazee
30 Jun 2005, 10:32 AM
I would end with the "I have to shower" stanza, or possibly, just kill the last one.
Otherwise it is fairly nice.
Otherwise it is fairly nice.
"eats" is a weak descriptor - lost opportunity at best.
Might want to tell me what it is you saw in his face that convinced you how he found the grass to be tastey.
Conceptually, there is a wide range of things the living can do that the dead cannot - I have trouble pulling a subset of that from the grazing, running and matings of a cow.
I think you can do it - but not by just telling me to.
Might want to tell me what it is you saw in his face that convinced you how he found the grass to be tastey.
Conceptually, there is a wide range of things the living can do that the dead cannot - I have trouble pulling a subset of that from the grazing, running and matings of a cow.
I think you can do it - but not by just telling me to.
okay - I haveta make an ammendment.
The start "It amazes me..." might be improved apon. YES I KNOW, I've done and do from time to time a similar thing - but I try.
The thing is that you want the poem to convey the amazement - why broadcast it. What if you just killed the first 3 words??
Then remove "Still keeping" - it is... unenglish.
But I like the piece very much.
The start "It amazes me..." might be improved apon. YES I KNOW, I've done and do from time to time a similar thing - but I try.
The thing is that you want the poem to convey the amazement - why broadcast it. What if you just killed the first 3 words??
Then remove "Still keeping" - it is... unenglish.
But I like the piece very much.