on some deleted poem
2 Jul 2004, 3:04 PM
I love the title.
on The Missing Peace by nothingtoanyone
2 Jul 2004, 3:10 PM
I like the beginning and the idea behind this, you go off into unfortunately, into boring redundance. the last line's a stinker, corny & preachy.
on some deleted poem
2 Jul 2004, 3:13 PM
Niiiiiiiiice. The third stanza's especially beautiful.
on The Power Of Standing Still (Ghazellanelle) by Bachus
30 Jun 2004, 4:38 PM
I especialy like the last couplet, nice build up.
on finally i say goodbye by francis nor capule
30 Jun 2004, 4:41 PM
Stand in front of the mirror and read this out loud. Let me know what you think.
on South Shore by Rodavlas
30 Jun 2004, 4:53 PM
Bizarre.
on RosalÃa de Castro: When I was born by Sasha
28 Jun 2004, 11:07 AM
You're translations astound me. This reads beautifully. It makes me feel...good.
on Drunk and Fucked Up by wilco
28 Jun 2004, 11:11 AM
The 'it' in the the second verse, what is 'it'? There's no correlation. I particulary like the aurora & the cigarettes.
on Sonnetias by MacFrantic
28 Jun 2004, 11:18 AM
the first and last lines aare great, but all that ramble inbetween...oy.
on Absolution by Drunk Russian Poet
24 Jun 2004, 8:29 PM
Very interesting. The first stanzas confusing, you got one night and nine months. Maybe if you put a period after the second line and remove and at the beginning of the next. I like the idea in the first stanza.
'Favorite genes' is a little corny, but one gets used to it. You need to chose between 'gone to far' or 'come this far'. the last line in that stanza doesn't feel important, it wouldn't change a thing if it wasn't there. In the following stanza the last line is so confusing. 'should...cheat,' is phrased like a question, put the puncuation's not. If this line is not meant to be a question it might work better for you if you get rid of the 'a's in front of 'liar' &'cheat'. 'but silence is betrayal' I like this line quite a bit especially for the end of a thought. the 3 questions after bring this poem down several points. Like I said, the silence line is so good, those next 3 lines just slow down the momentum. the last stanza's really good, the'ears' can be interpreted as belonging to a variety of listeners. On a personal note my son's a bastard. I told him when he was 8, before anyone else had a chance to, he took it very well. He's not ashamed of it, i've heard him tell his friends on several occasions. I don't think it has the stigma attached to it that it use to.
'Favorite genes' is a little corny, but one gets used to it. You need to chose between 'gone to far' or 'come this far'. the last line in that stanza doesn't feel important, it wouldn't change a thing if it wasn't there. In the following stanza the last line is so confusing. 'should...cheat,' is phrased like a question, put the puncuation's not. If this line is not meant to be a question it might work better for you if you get rid of the 'a's in front of 'liar' &'cheat'. 'but silence is betrayal' I like this line quite a bit especially for the end of a thought. the 3 questions after bring this poem down several points. Like I said, the silence line is so good, those next 3 lines just slow down the momentum. the last stanza's really good, the'ears' can be interpreted as belonging to a variety of listeners. On a personal note my son's a bastard. I told him when he was 8, before anyone else had a chance to, he took it very well. He's not ashamed of it, i've heard him tell his friends on several occasions. I don't think it has the stigma attached to it that it use to.
on Control by MakenzieNy
24 Jun 2004, 1:16 PM
Why do so many women put up with this fucking bullshit?
Because of a million and one reasons. Iknow you love this person. I know there's something to love in evryone, but he's killing you, piece by piece. Love yourself, sweety, love yourself. Where ever you are there are groups of people waiting to help you. just ask, church, school, clinic. It's not your job to save him, save yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your own child.
Because of a million and one reasons. Iknow you love this person. I know there's something to love in evryone, but he's killing you, piece by piece. Love yourself, sweety, love yourself. Where ever you are there are groups of people waiting to help you. just ask, church, school, clinic. It's not your job to save him, save yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your own child.
on Thoughts Asunder by wilco
24 Jun 2004, 11:26 AM
I enjoyed this poem. It's entertaining, funny and sweet. you've structured it perfectly. 10.
Now, a few things you might find helpful
I.
you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)
II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.
III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.
IV.
Perfect in every way.
Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.
Now, a few things you might find helpful
I.
you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)
II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.
III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.
IV.
Perfect in every way.
Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.
on some deleted poem
24 Jun 2004, 11:34 AM
When I came to the end of the first part, i.e., 'towards' you I was going to rank this a 10. Then I scrolled down and read the rest. Now I can only give this a 6. So often It's difficult to know when to quit.
on Johnny by MacFrantic
24 Jun 2004, 11:42 AM
Interesting story. Could use some puncuation.
on Heroin by zenhaircut
23 Jun 2004, 1:23 PM
what are '...habit fingernails'? Does this mean there bitten? Or you've been injecting under them? I think if you left out that line, and just left the first two, it would be more haunting an intro.
what have calendar blots to do with Mecca or skirmished hopes, your not showing enough. I like the next part and the stanza that follows. I also like your use of simile 'cynics...like needles' for example.
Considering you've used over 100 words, don't you thiink the last line is out of place? Even if you don't it's flat and boring.
what have calendar blots to do with Mecca or skirmished hopes, your not showing enough. I like the next part and the stanza that follows. I also like your use of simile 'cynics...like needles' for example.
Considering you've used over 100 words, don't you thiink the last line is out of place? Even if you don't it's flat and boring.
on Skuld Resurrected by SupremeDreamer
23 Jun 2004, 1:49 PM
what's the name of the muse for poetry? Is it Caliope? No, I think she's music. Oh and stop saying 'it'.
Anyway you could call it
(POETRY MUSE'S NAME) Resurrected
Works better if you personify poetry with either a 'he' or a 'she'.
Anyway you could call it
(POETRY MUSE'S NAME) Resurrected
Works better if you personify poetry with either a 'he' or a 'she'.
Time blahblahblahblah
like flower petals blahblahblahblah
Do you don your star trek costume and play this back on your computer voice generating program while jacking-off?
Never mix ecstasy with vodka and PBS, it always turns out ugly.
P.S. There's no such thing as time.