on amalgam by ThePariahDog
27 Dec 2005, 9:19 PM
My best suggestion is that you start reading real poetry. Here's a good place to start: http://www.poems.com/archive.htm
on Social Rant by fubang22
27 Dec 2005, 9:23 PM
This was probably good before you shift-F7'ed it into oblivion
on real fright of going home by veggiegurl
27 Dec 2005, 9:34 PM
50 years ago, an American student your age could have recited William Cullen Bryant's "Thanatopsis" from memory. I'm not saying we're not better off than people were 50 years ago, but do *you* know what thanatopsis means?
on Not for Me by TLRufener
27 Dec 2005, 8:57 PM
A heart THAT never beats.
Interesting image, words falling deaf. When most people would say words fell mute, or words fell on deaf ears. Seriously, why don't you try saying what YOU, DancingShamrock, mean, instead of saying what a million people before you meant? I think you would do better that way, is all.
Interesting image, words falling deaf. When most people would say words fell mute, or words fell on deaf ears. Seriously, why don't you try saying what YOU, DancingShamrock, mean, instead of saying what a million people before you meant? I think you would do better that way, is all.
on Deja vu by mystic enoch
27 Dec 2005, 9:11 PM
No, it's not too much to ask. My advice: Ditch him.
My other advice: In almost every relationship I've ever seen, there's a balance between the amount of respect you give and the amount of respect you get. If you treat him like a god, he HAS TO treat you like a god treats a bug - and squash you. If you claim some respect for yourself, he has to respect you. Next guy (and there will be a next guy), show him what you're good at, what you're better at than he is (and I don't mean that you're good at being a bug). Make him feel like he's screwed up from time to time. Make him feel like YOU'RE better than HE is. Then before you know it you'll be thirty and have a guy who thinks you're better than he is while you think he's better than you are. Then you win and get married. Trust me.
My other advice: In almost every relationship I've ever seen, there's a balance between the amount of respect you give and the amount of respect you get. If you treat him like a god, he HAS TO treat you like a god treats a bug - and squash you. If you claim some respect for yourself, he has to respect you. Next guy (and there will be a next guy), show him what you're good at, what you're better at than he is (and I don't mean that you're good at being a bug). Make him feel like he's screwed up from time to time. Make him feel like YOU'RE better than HE is. Then before you know it you'll be thirty and have a guy who thinks you're better than he is while you think he's better than you are. Then you win and get married. Trust me.
on Disassociation by Christina
27 Dec 2005, 9:15 PM
Never use ellipses (...) in a poem. Ever.
Once, a reporter dared Ernest Hemmingway to write a short story in only six words. His answer - "For sale: baby shoes. Never used."
Once, a reporter dared Ernest Hemmingway to write a short story in only six words. His answer - "For sale: baby shoes. Never used."
on a cordial greeting by calliope
30 Dec 2005, 7:10 AM
You seem to need about 6 more lines between "hello" and "your poison". And a different last line. Other than that, I like it. Especially the rhyme and half-rhyme.
on order of events by skaskowski
30 Dec 2005, 7:11 AM
Are you Amelie Poulain?
on lip balm by FreeFormFixation
30 Dec 2005, 7:12 AM
A strawberry bounces like a blueberry? That seems kind of sloppy.
"bad to wear by monkeys" needs rephrasing. Otherwise, good.
"bad to wear by monkeys" needs rephrasing. Otherwise, good.
on Virgin by MacFrantic
30 Dec 2005, 7:13 AM
It's a lot like being a virgin, except that you get to have sex.
on Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus
30 Dec 2005, 7:19 AM
You've admitted to being sloppy about grammar, so I'll do it for you:
Memoirs of a miner's son
Anvil-eyed, my Father glanced at me.
"Dress me well for Karen", he said.
He drew his breaths like a hero's sword
As I brushed his hair with still hands.
This man would leave for work golden
And return a shadow who left my lips black,
reading me Whitman as I slept
and living poetry each day I woke.
My Father was Sicilian;
The miners called him Brando,
My Mother called him Darling,
And I just called for him.
And he'd always return to me
With something carved from coal.
He had no last words for me,
Just a smile and a squeeze of my hand,
And then he was twenty three again
In a Daimler with Karen,
Driving to Loch Lomond
With forty two shillings,
Two smiles and two rings,
And her Father's wrath.
Good. All-around good.
Memoirs of a miner's son
Anvil-eyed, my Father glanced at me.
"Dress me well for Karen", he said.
He drew his breaths like a hero's sword
As I brushed his hair with still hands.
This man would leave for work golden
And return a shadow who left my lips black,
reading me Whitman as I slept
and living poetry each day I woke.
My Father was Sicilian;
The miners called him Brando,
My Mother called him Darling,
And I just called for him.
And he'd always return to me
With something carved from coal.
He had no last words for me,
Just a smile and a squeeze of my hand,
And then he was twenty three again
In a Daimler with Karen,
Driving to Loch Lomond
With forty two shillings,
Two smiles and two rings,
And her Father's wrath.
Good. All-around good.
on My Interesting Life by Dovina
30 Dec 2005, 7:27 AM
Be a real nonconformist: tell victimhood to blow off.
on My Interesting Life by Dovina
30 Dec 2005, 7:28 AM
Oh, and this is your most poetic poem to date. That's a compliment, meaning it doesn't look like it was written by a malfunctioning word-generator.
on some deleted poem
30 Dec 2005, 7:37 AM
A general writing suggestion: Don't pair practically every noun with a single adjective. Drop some of them. Make some strings of adjectives. You've already said octogenarian; don't say "old" veteran. Don't say "uneven" sidewalk; just try to suggest the sidewalk was uneven in a different way, like the veteran stumbled along the sidewalk, or the veteran caught his toes on the sidewalk. And so on.
on we hold hands when i sleep by hendrimike
2 Jan 2006, 7:41 AM
Rewrite all of this so it's like the fourth verse.
on MEANinglessness by lmp
2 Jan 2006, 7:51 AM
Say "fucking". Or, better yet, don't use swear-words (or half-swear-words) at all. This beating-around-the-bush is kind of wack.