replying on An Ice Revelation by Nateislate
6 Feb 2005, 8:34 AM
I agree, and I was. Nonetheless, the moment described was priceless.
replying on An Ice Revelation by Nateislate
6 Feb 2005, 8:33 AM
Indeed. It's a haiku, too.
Others are attempting genuine feedback. I'll attempt the same, stipulating that this is a fine effort that I like very much. I'm most concerned with two incongruities:
1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment.
2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.
1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment.
2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.
on Barflies and Bombshells by wilco
28 Jul 2004, 11:32 AM
Why is the bombshell gonna drop? Is she drinking too heavily?
replying on A Girlâs Climax by Dovina
12 Jul 2004, 9:56 AM
I'm just saying, no one likes a fattie. I hope your 226 lbs. includes the weight of your big blimp head. 'cause then it makes sense.
on A Girlâs Climax by Dovina
11 Jul 2004, 11:16 AM
I'm not sure why, but I can't help from being critical of this poem. First, the word "all" in line 1 is troubling. Is this meant to imply that, after he noticed, there will be no more dieting, etc.? In this sense, the poem is about a woman who lets herself go after she couples up. In the last line, the word "finally" raises questions. What did he notice, that she exists? Or that she's been dieting, etc.? If it's the latter, what was noticed? That she looks good or that she's too skinny and wears too much makeup? Ambiguity is good in moderation, but this poem seems too ambiguous to possess meaning.
If this poem is autobiographical, congratulations on getting noticed. I'm sure you look fabulous.
If this poem is autobiographical, congratulations on getting noticed. I'm sure you look fabulous.
on finally i say goodbye by francis nor capule
30 Jun 2004, 1:07 PM
Good poem. For my $.02, I didn't like this line:
i will take solace in the fact that i have been in love
The poem is otherwise taking-care-of-business, let's-move-on. That line felt out of place, too touchy-feely and like you're justifying past mistakes. Said another way, 'solace' is an emotion word stuck in the middle of a poem centered on logic and thought.
i will take solace in the fact that i have been in love
The poem is otherwise taking-care-of-business, let's-move-on. That line felt out of place, too touchy-feely and like you're justifying past mistakes. Said another way, 'solace' is an emotion word stuck in the middle of a poem centered on logic and thought.
on The Hot Job by peaceseeker
24 Jun 2004, 3:47 PM
This reminds me of the age-old question: Why are all poets attracted to shmucks?
on "She Phoned This Morning" by ARTIE
20 Jun 2004, 8:35 PM
Liked it, but the "soul doth yearn" line made me wonder what century it was.
on Restraint by ThoughtfulSoul
20 Jun 2004, 3:19 PM
Did you intend a connection between these 2 lines:
"For his life has been wasted with no one but himself
He has not enjoyed life to the fullest"
"For his life has been wasted with no one but himself
He has not enjoyed life to the fullest"
on Rough draft of a poetry manifesto by zodiac
11 Apr 2004, 10:56 AM
Somewhat clever. 6.