Re: Diary by wilco	edpeterson 68.79.14.47	12-Apr-04/6:53 AM
i think it is pretty damn good. simple. ONly just shy of elegant.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.51	12-Apr-04/7:47 AM
keep the title as is.
Re: Rough draft of a poetry manifesto by zodiac	Tara57 147.9.40.112	12-Apr-04/8:14 AM
The title I like...not blown away by the poem
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.51	12-Apr-04/8:15 AM
Hey Ed. This one would *greatly* benefit from far less little words (my broken record peeve). You're painting little pictures here, I don't need to read all these prepositional phrases to see the same thing - they distract the reader. One example, okay - I love this concept of yours: "On the television appear the letters M U T E Television, green letters M U T E you could even toss a descriptor onto television if you wanted. I sincerely believe your poetry, especially this type of poem, will improve significantly if you let go of this desire to fill in all the blanks with little words. You've probably heard this basic rule a hundred times - show, don't tell - these little words are part of the telling; danger danger.
Re: Everyone's choosing sides by zodiac	edpeterson 68.79.14.47	12-Apr-04/8:16 AM
Excellent piece.
Re: short clip about dc, #2 by jsd	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	12-Apr-04/8:28 AM
Succinct! The last line, though, "wearing" seems wrong, maybe something stronger like shouting.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	12-Apr-04/8:35 AM
A good song, but it tells the listener a little too much. It's better to imagine some things.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	12-Apr-04/8:38 AM
Some ofthe lines seem too long and some of the phrases seem wordy. Otherwise a good poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 67.240.192.190	12-Apr-04/8:42 AM
Don't be thrown off by my giving you a seven. This is several steps better than your other recent stuff. Some of these lines are kind of stale, but I'm impressed with how you've fit them together and given them a kind of order and drive, rather than stringing together only semi-related phrases like we see so much of here. I really feel like this leads somewhere, which is great. Now I would strongly recommend trying out other subjects. It's not that I don't consider love and heartbreak important (I do!-wait till you see my post tonight!), but that so many things have been said about love and heartbreak; it's hard to find something new to say about it. Whereas, say, writing about being an alien drain-cleaner on an interstellar battle-cruiser is totally new; you'd couldn't be cliche with a topic like that. Anyway, I didn't want you to think I was some terrible bogey or grouchy invalid or anything such. See? I can be a nice guy, even! Good luck writing, and tchuss! -zodiac
Re: The Poemranker Poe-lease by Jeremi B. Handrinos	edpeterson 68.79.14.47	12-Apr-04/10:19 AM
funny, but i have not been here long enough to know what the fuck you are talking about. go down on your bad self.
Re: EGG by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	Caducus 195.92.168.178	12-Apr-04/11:41 AM
True to the title
Re: AIDS in a van by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Caducus 195.92.168.178	12-Apr-04/11:42 AM
real moving man.
Re: This guy by Jai	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	12-Apr-04/12:01 PM
a rather boring poem with a generic point... not to mention that it's "you're," not "your." there's nothing wrong with a short, cute poem; just give it more distinction and more impact.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	12-Apr-04/12:06 PM
i just typed out this really long and in depth comment, hit "submit," and the computer lost it. so now you get the abridged version. the first stanza sticks out; it points in a direction that the poem does not take. other than that, i have only pithy criticisms regarding grammar, structure, etc., criticisms that don't really matter towards the meaning of the poem. it has a distinct and personal point, and ZODIAC is incorrect; it is not about lost love and broken hearts but intrinsically connected friends. well done.
Re: moment in time by calilegzzz	nentwined 66.92.28.14	12-Apr-04/12:26 PM
"cool crips breeze" had me thinking this was an entirely different poem for the first three lines (well, there was uncertainty after the first line ended, and serious doubt after the second...) "nights" should be "night's". "raceing" is "racing" I don't understand "which arouses yet another thought you..."--is that supposed to be another thought _of_ you? 'moment in time' is one of my favorite phrases, but it doesn't seem like you really did anything with it here but tack it on at the end, almost like this was an assignment to "write about a moment in time". I'm afraid that this poem reads to me as one cliche after another--pretty words, but the same words everyone else has used to describe the exact same thing. I think you could explore the moment and metaphors a bit more to try to find something novel.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	12-Apr-04/12:38 PM
a little explanation on "a sense of order urges/a need for recognition" would have been nice. other than that it's a fluid, melodic, and effective poem. it's too bad that we cannot post images next to our poetry; a nice piece of artwork could have made the poem.
Re: lost memories by ggawrysi	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	12-Apr-04/12:55 PM
Quite the American University fan club you've got going there ggawrysi.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	12-Apr-04/1:10 PM
a little melodramatic, but then it is poetry. interesting personification of the sun and a volcano.
Re: Jesus Rises from the Grove by wilco	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	12-Apr-04/1:12 PM
i don't have any major criticisms or anything that i loved. it entertained me, which is really all that i ask from a poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	12-Apr-04/1:17 PM
hailing from NY and being a die-hard Yankees fan, i understand exactly what you intended with this. you have to picture the setting; the immediate six blocks surrounding Yankee Stadium. zodiac, you're over analyzing. one criticism: the poem didn't do too much textually... another stanza, even just a four liner to wrap it up, would have been nice.