Re: weeping tree by the indign	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:46 AM
"ponder yet a second laughter screen" makes me struggle. drawers boxers redundant, fine but as a rationalization to mirror words in the next few lines - no. this smells synthetic somehow; strung together from random thoughts then a pasting of the first line to the last to imitate structure and - done. Thats what it looks like anyway.
Re: bunny by the indign	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:48 AM
... something one might use to warm up to start writing a poem. Start from the drop kick and go from there.
Re: again by the indign	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:49 AM
smells like a poem; a good approximation.
Re: Baggage by darkshark	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:51 AM
okay - not too shabby. But it needs some trimming of those little words to help give the idea some pop. and some color, sound - another sense.
Re: Fishing Trip by darkshark	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:52 AM
the tiny words that don't add value don't hurt this one as much because its a nice sentiment. You could beef it up by trimming it down though - still - quite well done.
Re: Fire, Water, and Blood by Katzclear	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:55 AM
oh. close. betrayal, suicide - so many poems to compete with and this one just gets trampled.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:57 AM
well, the ending has some pop. But the boobs are distracting. Yes I know they are eyes. It might make sense if kids had boobs, but then you'd have to trade in your ending for something with less shock value. Still might work if you took out the ped angle, and - more people would like it.
Re: Love in Winter Storage by Russell	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/7:05 AM
2nd stanza has to go. What else you got? the rest is very nice with some solid poetic language. So, overall I like how you say it, but what you say isn't too engaging.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/7:14 AM
"Beard spearing the nearest?" exactly - "...?" "Beard bound for bigger plans?" nice. not too shabby. for a beard poem.
Re: Christ At The Oscars by Caducus	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/7:11 AM
"On a Gethsemane of popcorn" is a nice line, but doesn't get the visual punch it should, I think, because popcorn needs to be doing something in this place (like being strewn on the ground or something) rather than being the place. "salted phial" is a nice ryhme with smile, if slightly out of context - overall, it shows a nice control of language - maybe shows -off- a bit too, but the subject isn't terribly appealing (personally) - it may find a market though since it's topical. Best be quick though.
Re: Edd by Bobjim	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/7:15 AM
rushed ending - the rest is a nice little ride. make try some ends?
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 67.240.211.250	25-Mar-04/8:24 AM
<Comment deleted.>
Re: Stratifying the Stress by Russell	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	25-Mar-04/9:03 AM
Some good tidbits; more clever than effective.
Re: Stratifying the Stress by Russell	Russell 67.102.42.189	25-Mar-04/9:14 AM
Thanks, Shuushin, for looking in and commenting on both this and yesterday's submission. I'll keep trying, but you're a hard man to please :-).
Re: My Sister's a Ninja by fevriere	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	25-Mar-04/9:24 AM
Cripes!
Re: Stratifying the Stress by Russell	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	25-Mar-04/9:24 AM
Darn!
regarding some deleted poem...	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	25-Mar-04/9:25 AM
Gad Bodkins!
regarding some deleted poem...	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	25-Mar-04/9:25 AM
Holy Mackerel!
Re: Style / Ffordd by Nicholas Jones	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	25-Mar-04/9:25 AM
Golly!
Re: Misplaced Life by Richard	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	25-Mar-04/9:25 AM
Egad!