regarding some deleted poem...	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/1:12 PM
Our way of life WAS eradicated? In the future? Or did you mean "would be" eradicated? (which would make more sense). Actually this is pretty decent. I would suggest removing the line "and neither should you" because A) it doesn't really do anything for the poem and B) it's too 'preachy.' I'd just end it something like "I don't believe that piece of shit, though I want it to happen because my life is so dull." or something like that.
Re: Drizzle by Sam	some deleted user 208.28.223.39	5-Feb-04/9:32 AM
I like it a lot...you have made a pretty picture in my mind that seems to stick...nice work...keep it coming
Re: Blue Fuckin' Moon by lastobelus	zodiac 67.240.155.40	5-Feb-04/9:39 AM
I'm glad you sent me to this one. I remember seeing it a while ago and being tickled. You've got that ee cummings knack for random assocation (even between weird adjectives and their nouns) in your early posts that I can't approximate. I get the sense it was beaten out of you by months of Rancoring, but I wish you had kept some of it, even if hidden, and it should be a little more hidden. Still, that quality is poetic (ie, what's going on OUT THERE) and a bag of chips. An image like "god-red little footsies" would be welcome in a more structured poem. That's the kind of association that's pulp-making. The start, too, with "Then" is very strong. The change to 'we' in the second, um, sentence is off-putting, along with 'go go go amber glint' which I can't make refer to anything satisfying for me. "TV commercial Faulkner doom"? I hope you know now to use concepts like that in a meaningful and more-or-less grammatically correct way. And then it devolves into similar stream-of-consciousness Joycean crap for a while. I've known one person who liked to read Joyce and I suspect she was lying. Then it comes back. After 'ok, laugh' I'm with you again. In manuscript I see the s-of-c lines broken up a little more and italicized. You could pull them off that way. Maybe it should all be broken up more. At least into stanzas. I'm big on stanzas. Crystalline has 2 ls, then 1. Then it just needs to say about 3 more things than it does. At least, to be pulpwood-style. I'm fine with things that just paint a scene, like this. But the good ones that seem to do that, when you break them open, you find more inside. There's some of that here but a little short of enough. Is that it? Very Beat and cummings, which is its downfall. Hide that a little better and you're ace.
Re: A Panglossian Farmer by richa	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	5-Feb-04/9:48 AM
nice sketch
Re: To A Streetchild by Sam	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	5-Feb-04/9:52 AM
very descriptive, a little cliche in a few spots (but not too bad) i think you might do better to focus on your reaction to the child, rather than simply describing the child if we read the hint of your pain and sadness because you empathize with the child's pain and sadness it just seems like it would impact more, you know?
Re: Soft Beak; Hard lotion by Bachus	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	5-Feb-04/9:56 AM
"My cleverness has turned into a very dill pickle" - confessional in a good way very "beat" could use some tightening in a few places but enjoyable overall
Re: To A Streetchild by Sam	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 131.111.212.215	5-Feb-04/10:20 AM
Sublimely beautiful and evocative. -10-
Re: Duck - an ode by zodiac	zodiac 67.240.155.233	5-Feb-04/10:50 AM
Yeah, I posted over another poem again. This one has rhyme too. They all do.
Re: La Belle Epoque by andrewjthomas	zodiac 67.240.155.233	5-Feb-04/11:21 AM
"I thought about my the rapist." Is there a word missing here? "in this flying hunk of steel." - ehhh... "And still the Rezidence" - I'd drop the 'And'. "the futility of you." - there's a better, more original word that 'you'. "feeling like a stranger in a strange land" - don't say that. Say it originally. "gotten off my ass" - ehhh... "unspoken streets" - more like unspeaking (to Americans anyway) "walked near your job" - are you trying to avoid saying that it was a Starbucks? That's usually the case with that phrasing. Make something up better than job. All good confessional poets do. "And finally the awkward moment of nudity" - that's an awkward moment of transition. "buffoon" - ehhh... "anal" - ditto... Whew! The crazy thing is that I had almost exactly the same experience in France and Germany once, except that it ended so much worse. You have no idea. The thing you did with the first part works in some places but mostly not in others. I don't know if you were trying to follow my suggestion, but I would have been happier I think leaving the lines whole and just breaking them into stanzas, like: I think of you as I would any self-made image: (break) I was sitting there in the international terminal, waiting for my flight to Munich, anticipating our rendezvous, and watching Annie Hall. (break) I seem to have established a fondness for Woody Allen, but I'm thinking I'm too young to appreciate him. (and so on. keep the stanza breaks you have and number or mark them somehow.) The end is really dense-looking still. Is it that you just haven't redone the last half yet? It looks scary. Poetry readers like to see more white on a page than black, I've learned. Anyway, I'm witholding my vote for another revise.
Re: Emily Mae by horus8	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	5-Feb-04/11:41 AM
what goad said still, nice job over all
Re: Unhearted by Miggy	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/12:53 PM
This isn't bad...lyric wise. I mean, i can kinda 'hear' it as a song. As a poem I'd consider it more lacking. Anyway, my only major suggestion to you is to revise your chorus because the line with the phrase "an idea stupid" is quite awkward and way too forced a rhyme.
Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/12:54 PM
This is cute..okay, there's some humor. Which merits it a 5. I wouldn't do more because frankly the subject matter is just utterly ridiculous. Get on your soapbox now...I can already tell you're the type :-) (I can't believe everyone gave this a 10)
regarding some deleted poem...	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/12:57 PM
Yes, "a balloon" should be "balloons." I don't particularly like "as head lifts its angle." That's kinda awkwardly worded. (Yes "awkwardly worded" is a favorite phrase of mine). "Like an olde verse" doesn't sound right, rhythmically speaking. You're missing a syllable. You don't need a comma in the last stanza after "face". Otherwise this is alright. Not bad. Nothing fascinating about it either though.
Re: A Panglossian Farmer by richa	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 131.111.212.215	5-Feb-04/12:57 PM
You certainly win the prize for the week's most aribtrary line break. The prize is six of the best followed by a trip to Matron's office.
regarding some deleted poem...	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/12:59 PM
Cute. I'd change 'peep' to 'make' though.
regarding some deleted poem...	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/1:01 PM
Hmm. Cute. But "be" and "crusty" don't really flow so well you know.
Re: mythical by SupremeDreamer	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/1:04 PM
This seems to be going back and forth too much between past and present tense. It could also use some cleaning up (typos and incorrectly spelled words etc.) I like "and before color could reach my cornea" and "before learning to crawl upon tiled floors." Those are the only lines that really stand out to me as 'strong' lines.
regarding some deleted poem...	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/1:05 PM
It kinda seems to me (from what i've seen of yours so far, which, granted, isn't all that much) that all these three liners are sort of an easy way out and rather hard to actually constructively critique. This is..well...mediocre.
regarding some deleted poem...	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/1:09 PM
I wasn't expecting to like this as much because of the title. Too 'teen angst-y'. But this piece is pretty good. I like it. It's really beyond me how people vote here. I see the stupidest shit getting 10's and this was surely not deserving of a 1. Oh well. my only suggestion: "From a job he no longer works at" should be a continuation of the previous sentence, not a new one.
Re: 3AM At Whitey's by DurtKL	NanceXToo 24.229.216.168	5-Feb-04/1:10 PM
I'm seconding what Zodiac said. :D