Re: You've Given Me by broken_wing11	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	27-Jan-04/12:33 PM
too sweet and your rhymes come too fast and blunt
regarding some deleted poem...	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	27-Jan-04/12:55 PM
omg, this does not deserve to be on the best of list
Re: Here In The Heart of Amber by Lenore	Goad 217.82.10.207	27-Jan-04/1:06 PM
Quite nice, I enjoyed it. Hmph, I'm reading some of your pomes after participating in the big argument on Captain Cannibal and contrary to your babblings there about eschewing technique and concreteness for the sake of iconoclasm, most of your other pomes seem to be about tangible things and show considerable attention to technique and structure. So I will make an actual editorial comment: "where fossils keep in destined place" doesn't make sense to me. keep what? or did you mean keep their destined place? Did you mean, as in, will the food keep until next week? If so the colloquialism seems out of place with the rest of the pome.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	27-Jan-04/1:09 PM
What are you trying to say?
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	27-Jan-04/1:10 PM
good.
Re: So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	27-Jan-04/1:19 PM
17 lines = 17 poems yet to be made; each is title. Its a shopping list, come back with a full bag.
Re: My Life As a Single Teenage Girl by Princess_Snowflake	irishfolksuicide 81.178.235.157	27-Jan-04/1:21 PM
Older enough to do it is not grammatical. Try stopping the haiku at 'until I'm older' only 23 syllables then.
Re: Kernel of truth by annabellee	irishfolksuicide 81.178.235.157	27-Jan-04/1:23 PM
Try with a couple of startling images. Otherwise the poem is quite difficult to grasp. Not badly written.
Re: Kernel of truth by annabellee	zodiac 152.18.33.196	27-Jan-04/1:31 PM
"She melts in the flow" - this is odd, but ultimately passable. The part from "bind her" to "cannot see" is the poem's best, but needs different punctuation. I deleted your two (by editing, not maliciously) from my last post. You can go redo it if you want. I'd be really happy if you made a comment while you were at it.
Re: Fastened to my belt by irishfolksuicide	zodiac 152.18.33.196	27-Jan-04/1:40 PM
This is really really good. Maybe the best post of the day. I just have one small question: the priest gives contrition, right? Or do you mean for it to be reversed?
Re: You've Given Me by broken_wing11	god'swife 67.73.35.126	27-Jan-04/1:57 PM
Without the benefit of music this comes off terribly simplistic. Rework the last two stanzas. 'Everything I'm dreaming of' is too much something that's pulled out when one is at a loss for anything better. 'Amazement + glee' glee? There are better words to use that rhyme with 'me'. Unfortunately many of your stanzas have been seen and heard before. With the exceptions of S2 + S3 + S4 which I like quite a bit. I think it's important for people to express this kind of acknowledgement. Love is the most total act of a soul, reflects the nature of the soul. So this person of yours, this Beloved, deserves praise and for me, this kind of literature provides a lesson in loving. Best of luck. Do try to spread your wings a bit.
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	zodiac 152.18.33.196	27-Jan-04/2:04 PM
"traces their path" - whose? The turtles', I guess, but I got confused for a minute. I thought it was the shoes' path. I'd make that clearer. And the last part about the tugs is either badly worded or unnecesary. Especially wondering how the turtles feel. I like the idea, and can't decide if it's better left to the imagination (whether or not it's homecoming). No vote until I have more time to think.
Re: A morning conflict by INTRANSIT	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	27-Jan-04/2:14 PM
i just don't like the double-use of "urn" give us something different there please otherwise, very fun read
Re: P.M.S. by Princess_Snowflake	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	27-Jan-04/2:16 PM
this is better than the coffee poem you at least make the repetition work for you here
Re: The woods house by zodiac	god'swife 67.73.35.126	27-Jan-04/2:21 PM
yes i read this and gave it a ten. I don't think of this as choppy at all. It's not so much an actual rythm I speak of , but more the why the words go together. Which in this poem is flawless. take the last stanza: You have summer and fall which naturally flow together and all at the beginning of the line which ties into fall(all/fall). They wandered in the circling hills(wander/circling). the strange freedom of the forsaken. You see the words go well together- wandering circling strange freedom- freddom forsaken strange. it's hard to point out, but the words flow into each other and as the eye moves along the words echo back to the previous words. At the end you say 'I love her' twice, then in the last line you you say he cannot even remember 'her name'. It makes a difference, like a prayer or an incantation, it's not just the meaning of the words that matter but the sound of the voice in speaking them, the lull or crash of the vowels and the consonants. Like certain chords evoke certain feelings. It's so hard to express. It can't be forced. It only works when inspiration takes hold. There are tools, meter, rhyme, assonance, etc., but in the end it's inspiration that allows the artist to create. There's a word that's on the tip of my tongue, you know when actors get on stage and make it up aas they go along. Starts witht the letter 'I', I can't remember. Sometimes my poemes come, and then I have to go back and replace words or phrases with the appropriate ones. For example once I wrote 'He grew annoyingly afraid' but it was really suppose to be 'unknowingly afraid'. I think MEXICO has some great emotion in it, but it's not spellbinding like this one.
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	god'swife 67.73.35.126	27-Jan-04/2:35 PM
How does he feel? it's no clear sothe questionat the end is confusing. I like it, the question, but i can't contemplate it, because it's unclear how 'he' feels. I like this poem over-all. I think you should anthropomorphise the seaweed and say ' the absent-minded seaweed clings...' you do it with the tugboats, and it's always charming in a poem. I think poetry owes so much to mythology and the ability to bestow inanimate objects or creatures with human attributes. It makes the world more our own.
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	zodiac 152.18.33.196	27-Jan-04/2:39 PM
My post is finally beating My Life as a Single Teenage Girl!
Re: sunday morning precarious by andrewjthomas	unouluvme 66.167.71.91	27-Jan-04/3:09 PM
uh...i like this one. Its kinda like a personal narative but, you know, like way better. BTW: where did your piss test go??? :)
Re: Hollywood Blue by Mona Lisa	andrewjthomas 192.150.10.200	27-Jan-04/3:43 PM
First stanza - L4: personally I would change this to : And popsicle-peeled. L6&7: pink champagne AND fizzy pop seems like too much unless you add a but: They give her pink champagne But she asked for fizzy pop Second stanza is great Third stanza - L5: misspelling - fetal L6: "Father Figure" is WAY too obvious L7: this entire last line is also WAY too obvious and a bit of a let down for the culmination of this piece many people write poems about junkies and heroin this is a fairly decent portrayal of the starlett seduced by drugs i would just fix the few things i mentioned less is more, it really is
Re: Winter by morffrom	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 163.1.146.87	27-Jan-04/3:44 PM
Ahh, Winturd. The white season; nestled moistly 'tween the green and the browne... Speaking of browne, I daresay your butterfly is not the only frozen tear in heaven. Have you not heard "The Winturd Tale of Sir Donald Nudesby"? It runs thus, in the Common Tongue... Footprints linger on the lawn Where Nudesby trod ere crack of dawn Then out beyond the seemly parts and in amongst the compost carts. There to clench in wooden shack Ere sweating brow gave way to cack And buttocks wiped with little care Leave brownly marks upon his chair. But footprints leave, and don't return And Nudesby's fate may cause concern Young children ought to shield their ears Whilst women fight to hold back tears: Through winturd night, and morning frost It seems that Nudesby has been lost 'tis little wonder that he froze - Sir Donald Nudesby wore no clothes!