Shuushin
on glimpses by nentwined
22 Oct 2003, 6:30 AM
That second stanza in particular describes an old scene in a very fresh way; well done!
This use of the parenthetical gives it an interesting flavor - like building a language - or a mythology. I think it can easily be overdone though - you've kept on the inside of that.
bird leaves as she cools, the parallel with the decomposing city - nice.
Very Freudian. We all know what snakes represent. You set up a pleasant scene and then twist and undermine it - very nicely done.
Did you know Knievel is actually his real surname?
A Gibson mandolin, I believe. And an expensive one.
This expresses that desire to rush but the fear of breaking very well - and that has larger implications.
liked it!
Interesting. How literal is the translation between the languages? Is it ever possible to properly translate poetry, because so much lies in the original language? Hmm.
You are using the inclusion of some Spanish words as an excuse for a poeme that reads like shit and doesn't make any sense. 10!!!
I'm particularly fond of that ... particular time.
This is very cute.
:0( Care for a front row ticket to the latest execution? Bet the workers would give up the strike if such entertainment was offered. 23.166
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on African Killer Bees, it's not the smell of smoke by <{Baba^Yaga}>
22 Oct 2003, 6:55 AM
[X] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Devoid of rhyme
[X] Devoid of other linguistic embellishments (alliteration, etc)
[X] Devoid of other literary devices (metaphor, synaesthesia, etc)
[X] Devoid of wondrous or fantastical imagery
This isn't a poeme; it's another prose with arbitrary line breaks special.
:0) Wonderful womb with a view and surround sound! 23.33
echos of wallace stevens here - and there's not a damn thing wrong with that(although that could just me being effected by "if you know how to use a hammer, everything looks like a nail")
Lovely - sensual, sweetly cadenced.
If by "birth" you mean nentwined's Haiku of the same name then I applaud the sentiment if not the frequent, and somewhat baffling, references to urban decay.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
00040400
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
Yes, maybe it was the cheap beer.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
00744481
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
WOW!!!!!11
MEDIOCRITY CODE
8074D001
http://www.mycgiserver.com/~prawne/code.
O portugese parece pintado fina com espanhol. É isto um o nascimento honesto ou um dispositivo? Schließen Sie nie die Übersetzung ein.
if eyes deceive how can they reveal? second stanza's fair sort of, nice idea anyway, but it's 'tow' not 'toe'. Mental constructs, interesting. 'Overflowing tearducts', as far from poetry as say, 'bladder infection', or 'compound fracture of the tibula'. then it all just breaks down into Juvenality Deluxe.
'thickness' sanded? How, does thickness sand? 4th stanza- 'everything' or the only thing?
The only thing left
between me and my chocolate f-9
is a month, and then finally
I'll hear her sing.
The unbearable urge to rush
is a disaster, waiting.
So patience for once,
do this right, just for once
as I should.
More please.
Sounds like you missed a wonderful opportunity to corn hole a corn hole.