nentwined
on dream dream dream dream dream by nentwined
31 Jul 2003, 8:24 AM
testing self-comment.
wow. so many metaphors, so little unity.
I think black people are quite good. What do you think?
local monk. good one. local monk.
structure and flow is terrible, I can hardly read it.
Shame because I quite like the content.
Am i good enough repetition makes it sound like a prayer.
Interesting.......
delete the comma in L2
L4--swaying stroke? or did you want a double noun?
L5--like a crayon burnishing an inscription?
L7--"in what said my spent time" obfuscates.
almost there. almost clear. whip smart, richa.
mammarys of Paris (Free verse) by richa
mammary;
the succulent lactate gland
-------------------------------------wit
i think that people don't like it becuase you treat the subject with forced rhyme and uneven meter. the wording is clumsy. if you are trying to persuade people to see it your way, you need to be smoothly convincing, especially if you set out to do so in such a measured way. if you can't do rhyme in a way that doesn't feel forced, leave it alone for a while. if you can't keep the beat, don't put one in. write free verse--show us what you mean instead of telling us. that 'border crossing' poem shows more about the arrogance of whites than this does. you come across as a wanna-be martyr here.
so, it's not that people can't identify with what you're saying--it's that you've not communicated it effectively enough for them to care.
Read TS eliot/ezra pound/tedhughes/sylvia plath.
There is no doubt these are great poets. And you probably think they talk shit that makes no sense too.
As you get older you will understand them better, and it will help you with your own writing.
I started out like you stringing together cliches that rhymed and people slagged me off too. But things get better in time and you get better in time.
Beauty to me sounded like a poem without an authentic voice. If you write for yourself you will find your poems become more original and noteworthy.
"and such". hahahaha. why in the hell did you put that in there? okay, seriously, for such a swirly poem, why did you make the rhythm so choppy? make you form follow function, dreamer.
okay, i'll complement you on the last strophe--the idea of it anyway--but why not show me instead of telling me?
you know how, when you're at a family picnic, and your aunt corners you tell tell you one of her stories that goes on and on and on? well? USE SOME FRESH LANGUAGE, DAMN YOU! or you will be that aunt. even if you do have a penis.
see: http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry
okay i wont try to punctuate it either
did he open his robe for you???
DID HE SHOW YOU HIS PRIVATE PARTS!!!!!????
Probably the most appallingly executed limerick since horus8's epoch-making masterpiece, "AIDS in a crayon". 10 out of 10 for effort, though!
And isn't making a broad generalisation about all white people being full of hate and prejudice in itself somewhat prejudicial? I know 'racist' is a term loaded towards white perceptions of black people, but it does cut both ways. How dare you assume that, because I am white, I hate all other ethnic groups? Stop beig so much of a victim. Cut up your credit cards, learn to speak Spanish, whatever. The strange thing about your poem is that it can be taken as a satire of American values except for 'The white man hates...', where you step talking about 'we' and start talking about 'they'. You shouldn't mix your perspectives like this, it clouds your message.
No this would be a shame to be anyones suicide note.
It seems to lack feeling
first six lines are rather nice
'i know we are not in elementary school anymore' just sounds a bit pervy to me though
nice to put a guitar in the poem
meteors and shooting stars less so
impresario
Great use of "dope" to rhyme with "hope".