talking_goldfish
on Descent into Madness by thepinkbunnyofdoom
17 Apr 2003, 5:03 PM
No. Definitely a no.
"He wears a mask
Over a heart that is black".
Now what I would of said would be,
He wears a mask my friend,
and that mask is oatmeal & avacado.
Very sweet. Somebody kiss me.
You mean, of course, cluck to the cob, Cornholio.
This is an epic poeme of epoch-making proportions.
name: zoe
age: 25
likes: meeting new friends, seeing old friends, having fun with all my friends, blah blah, dance, trance, dance-trance, garage, speed-garage, blah, hip-hop, trip-hop, trip-hip-hop, trance-hop, blah, friends, hanging with friends, trance, blah blah blah, being cool and hanging out, blah, friends, blah, must have lots of friends, blah blah, must be accepted by everyone, please, blah blah, christian woodworking, blah, trance.
This is an epic poeme of epoch-making proportions.
This must be a thinking poem. A gem of extistential reflection. Or maybe you're just a dolt.
Yeah, well guess what buddy? I'm tired of your face! Get out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
This is actually an 'ode' to what you think 'odes' are, but in actuality it's not. This is a roman numeraled other with no rhyme scheme no structured pattern and a dull theme. Not to mention dislocated sentences, paragraphs and punctuation. Congradulation!
"Please do not put me in jail with other boys." oh, yeah... Anything but that.
A) In jail two top three socks can be fashioned into a very comfortable G-string.
B) Canned pears and loose tobacco go a very long way, but not as very as (a).
C) Ashes make a nice shade of mascara and a towel can be worn as a skirt or a tube top.
D) Aids is considered just as valuable a weapon as say a shank or visible herpes.
No, what you've done here is confused "poetry" with "angsty prose with semi-arbitrary linebreaks".
Your aggression towards 'rhyme' has left much unsaid.
Perhaps you'd prefer to give me some 'head'?
Taking shape... hmmm... kind of like a growing penis in the cupped hands of a child. Of course, we would be required, by law, to confirm that indeed you are that child, and yes that is your penis.
Get rid of the parenthetical. You touch on truth, now just go.
Now hark, lark! bef're it's dark and your tail feather's bark turns into Noah's ark and we leave a mark of animal shit that will eventually nark us out to sweet jesu'. did i mention being stark fucking nude dude? well that too, buddy.
Hey Danny !
If you are indeed a 9 year old this is a brave effort mate. Good use of rhyme and you stuck to to the subject well. Keep writing and good luck with your poetry heres an 8.
but... will you bend over and be my forever friend.lol. i also own a pair of fubus for when i go a wicky wicky woo and my three turn tables and microbone.
There isn't any mob cliches in this, unless this mob is on the highschool football team.