Nanshe
on And Then She Got Over It by Freethinker1602
23 Feb 2003, 9:17 PM
Take notes as you walk.
perhaps cum and go?
Nice, but seems to lack anything concrete or precise.
Well told.
i think its good, this poem so happens to be the way i think :p theres many ways ppl view things but seriously no need to say its crap if u wanna criticize be constructive at least, yeesh......
I think it would be better with out the last two lines of the 2nd to last stanza ("Enough", I say,/nothing's easy.) I hate to second guess some one as good as you but those lines really seem awkward to me and added nothing I could see. I'm thinking maybe they were the giving up part but I think the final stanza shows that well enough on it's own. Other than that you have once again done most wonderfully.
"Just a feeble greying of the soul"
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o! I'm in love with that line. Do you mind if I run off with it and get married?
I think you're right though. There seems to be something missing... I think what's bugging me is you go from the contrasts (debilities/patience, holocaust/sainthood) to the middle of the road things (not sunhine but not snow, grey) a little quickly. I'd love to read a rewrite even more than I liked this read though.
I HATE WRITERS LIKE YOU, BUT ITS JEALOUSY, YOU GOT THE KUDOS AND THE 10
Nice reconstruction of a moment gone too soon.
But do dreams served up so late go cold before they are consumed? Or do they consume you? You should talk to the Limness.
Your random capitalisation and punctuation errors distract from the punch of this; also, i tend to agree that the subject needs to be better defined for the reader to feel empathy on the order of magnitude you seem to be courting. S2L2 "then" should be "Than"
Forgive my ignorance; I am new here, but, why did you waste our time with this?
Point of view seems to shift. Never a good thing, unintentionally.
The rhyming seems too forced to be effective; at the same time, the sing-song rhythm of this is eerily haunting. "sinewed cage" is a fantastic image.
Your ending is weak; this rage-enfused treatise requires something stronger.
Painful, keening, sober. Drink the salt water with me, sister.
Im no expert as i hav said once b4, but if i like it, i'll most certainly adore, even tho gettin hit on the head happens alot to me i like it neway * walks off and gets hit in the head by a heavy blunt object*
* reading comments* LOL! woo! u ppl......!
* luves reading comments* LMFAO! Man u ppl....... seriously no offense, but i think i have more of a life right now then i had ever hoped to believe after reading all that and wasting my time. I thank ye.
It's good. He must be too if he can afford Grey Goose. 7.