nentwined
on some deleted poem
26 Jan 2003, 4:11 AM
hmm. I didn't really like how the last two stanzas rebelled against the form of the rest of the poem. pretty, overall.
SHIELD THINE EYES!
THE DARK TRIANGLE OF SHAME IS AFOOT!
naughty naughty.
why two p's in appology?
hilarious. :)
eh, it must be early in the morning.
I really want to give this a 7.5.
The repetition thing is something I do much myself, but this feels... cluttered and bloated. try to chop some words and ponder more strongly the images you've got. as well, consider why you're actually writing the poem, what you want to convey.
cute, but not for me. you might submit this to nfg, really, though I suggest not as a poem. :)
hmm. could use some grammar/spelling work imo. curious what the g is -- before looking at the poem, I expected it to mean gravities. could also use some cliche work, and rhythm.
cliche. :/
maybe you could do something with this to rise it above the done and dead?
why did this have to hurt? I definitely can appreciate your pain after reading this. :/
I expect DA would get a kick out of this.
interesting. I like the form a lot, but can't quite wrap myself around it nor submerge myself in it. yet... I like it.
it makes me chuckle, at least. 81% 76.8% la.
la la la.
You should get this recorded! That chorus is completely ace!
Humm....i'd say #1 is a dick
#2 is you flippin us off
As the temporary King of Poemranker (missing time is currently in the #1 spot), I dub thee ...
humourous and odd and brilliant. You bum.
nothing to do with john lennon whatsoever, lets just hope you don't have a loaded gun. >:)
btw, i am fine, living hard and fast in santa monica.
heh
bums bums bums! yay, nudefulness!
liked the first two stanzas, but the second half lost me.
Why did you write this?