Caducus
on some deleted poem
6 Dec 2002, 8:38 AM
Its Child loving day, horus has done one and so have you- both excellently. I think the title 'Mother Earth' would work better but the poem is woven very well, the bit about smelling her adds a mellifluent touch to the poem, smell says so much and evokes. I may be wrong but you seem to be more diverse
Go Gladiator girl save up $100 and get the knobhead, you saved this by the ballistic ending
exlpoded->exploded
...
and I'm afraid I don't get it.
check line 3 for spelling (conquer)
Love the end
Very fine. I have no winter here. Winter only means paper whites instead of black-eyed susans.
Show this to your son when he's old enough to understand because its one of the most honest, moving and beautiful pieces I've read, you've got more sides than a pentagon horus, i like this side because its you and your balls are gleaming with gold today with this.
p.s read 'father and son' by tony parsons you'll f****g love it. (amazon.com for review) TEN/TEN
Hobojo, quite the George Romero with this one
I think you should remove the quotes in the last stanza. You rhyme 'me' thrice in last stanza also. i like this poem but it still needs some tighting and editing. Must it rhyme? Some of the rhymes are strong, Maybelline/slipstream, kisses/hisses.
A little futile and one dimensional, nice, but basically very formulaic.*5*
Do you ever write anything yourself or have you simply developed a keen ability to cut and paste.
I really like this. Are you Stephen Malkmus? (Lead singer of Pavement--the words Serpentine and "slip stream" remind of of some Pavement titles.) "Lips waxed by Maybelline" interrupts the flow for me. The rhymes work subtly and even the repetition of me in the last stanza works. What's the significance of the sixes? I looked up "Hinnom"--can you tell me your intent in including it? Sacrifice? Great work.
mawkish and trite. As substantial as a United Way commercial.
hey Clever heres your poem in german from: systransoft.com
Die Schmerz sind gut, Schmerz sind nett an einem Tag, den ich ihn mehr
als tvice habe.
Vith ein Stock, ein vhip, fesselt auch oben gebunden in ein Bett, in
einen Stuhl und sogar in ein Klo mit Handschellen!
Vith viele Damen und sobald eine Kuh ich das Wissen suchen, die Daten,
das Know-how
Mein Vergn??gen erh??hen, mein Zufriedenheit asvell, meine St????e zu
erhalten, ' meine Glocke zu schellen '.
Sie l????t mich mit Quetschungen, Kratzern und Wunden von oben und
herum geworfen werden, heraus und zuhause
Die Schmerz sind Spa??, Schmerz sind gro?? ich verwenden ihn h??ufig
zum masturbate.
Aber seien Sie vorsichtiger junger Gelehrter, h??ren gut... Zu viel
kann Sie zur H??lle gerade schicken! (das Sie genie??en k??nnen? Wer?
wei??)
Original i liked it
nice.
It's like a kick in the teeth.
i would of ended at sesame street.@
Cut the cookies with your wit razorgrin, this satisfied my bloodthirst and cookiehunger -9-