The last line is brilliant.

two problems: title and last sentence....titles weak, because it's not a tractor beam, and it should...and that's how you should end it...with....taking out "ever will"...cuz we all know it will. and put should.w

Well, these comments certainly were ... illuminating. Nine, for the smug and funny and meaningful line breaks and some educational comments from all.

you are ill man, get a life.n

well i just wanted to take this time to say....i'm sorry for being such a public therapy session skank bastard, and promise you all from now on, and everyone one else too in the good free world, and the ugly brown muslim sess pool, outside our priceless democracy that i'll be nice from now on and eat my dinner like a big boy, and not spit up, or be insensitive, and then overly sensitive in counter...till the die i die, pinky swear. amen....now i'm off to pay (blow) the piper for rent money, toodles..p.s you know..i feel much better now...clean and revitalised..in the mood for gay love..and old man balls stuffed precariously into my mouth...yes it's days like this that make me proud to be a young republican good looking christian warrior of the lord...THE SCROTISMAL EQUINOX!

This is great. Well written and a strong ending. Cupid lives!!:)

Words of wisdom! Love it! Not out of line to vote you a nine.

I dunno--I want to like this more than I do. For one thing, it reads more as prose memoir than a poem ("but what is a poem? blah blah blah"). Also, you distance the reader from the experience by the reiteration of the memory--specifically, the use of "I vividly recall," "I remember," "I still wonder"--I think this would be stronger and more immediate without those. Plunge your reader into the experience with you--don't tell, show. I think that's the main problem--you tell rather than show. Specifically-- I think the third stanza should be pulled--it interrupts the narrative and seems extraneous. I'd probably even pull the first stanza--it's like a first chapter that you write just to get you going, but then, upon re-read, sounds too much like Obvious Intro. Maybe pull it and play with remainder to see if it was necessary? You can get the message that this was your old house just by changing "an" to "our" in the second stanza (or by any number of other methods--"I took shelter that April evening, forty years ago . . . " etc.). I like the central idea of this and, especially, the last two lines, but I think your narrative eclipses your images and experience.

I suggest you try reading poetry by Whitman, Blake, Thomas (Dylan), Frost and others. I also think you should try writing in free verse as your rhyming words are forced which is a common problem. The old masters made it look easy but it isn't. Good luck.

lightning- the result of a gravity (connection invisible, umbilicle from ground to sky to space) induced, atmospherically linked frictionally created energy eruption...like lava from the ground in reverse...sky lava.....yes high cloud space gas in god's squirt gun but...plugged in and aimed poorly.

i still can't get past the first line because of the sut. i want to bad though and i will...i hope. give me a hint...all right just kidding...well it's big, but i liked it for a load of a reasons, and hated it for others, but i hate myself so don't feel bad....overall content was well recieved though 7.

Not as structured and resolute but still a vivid and interesting read, this still harbours passsion and your work always has a lascivious vibe, this could be better if the message was repeated rather like a chorus between each stanza, the message being power.

Science and perception, nice. I think the rhymes and the rhythm work, especially if you read it aloud. I don't think I've seen Crick and Watson "namechecked" in poetry before--I don't know that you really need it in that verse, since it's pretty obvious what you're talking about without it. I like!

Why do you hate A-Murka? Just kidding. Good strong images. This reminds me a little bit of Langston Hughes "Let America Be America Again": "I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil. I am the worker sold to the machine. I am the Negro, servant to you all. I am the people, humble, hungry, mean-- Hungry yet today despite the dream. Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers! I am the man who never got ahead, The poorest worker bartered through the years."

I liked this a lot. My only nit is the ending. (Last line) Obviously, bees do not feel sadness and , even as a metaphor, it doesn't seem to work. How about: "I stroll alone, beside the sea and know the sadness within me."

very funny...excedingly lovely...

yes my friend, to you, my dust i lend.

Is it 'but I know' or 'because I know' Change the last line.

Slighty too long.

<grin>