<~>
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2002, 8:20 AM
i am trying, mrs.g, but this one eludes me, mostly. i will print this out and take it to lunch with me. maybe it will bleed for me then.
7/10 Bollocks ! what the hell do people expect Shakespeare@we'reallfuckingbetter.com to submit poems?
This is so close to a 10 Bo Dereks nipples are shitting themselves.
Hey spazzman this is a daisy, well done man
okay, here's what i get: all that remembered wrong, seen through the eyes of the young, and revised through eyes more keen. so the stings that were big are smaller, the ones unseen are deeper cuts, and, in an effort to sort it all out, an inventory has been made.
did you despise your own humanity as a child? i did. i saw the cruelty around me, and wanted not to be. human. except for dating the beginning of the meditation, the first stanza is out of place.
are "she" and "you" the same person? it is unclear.
Some days I wish it would shower us with it's envious love.
I know you've been waiting for me to comment on your poems, and I have looked at them but couldn't figure out exactly how I feel about them. There are things I like, like the '6 rings...' in this poem but overall the bushes need trimming. You seem tied to rhyming, which makes you use sentences that are not necessary to move the idea forward. For example the 3rd line in the 1st stanza. should it be 'I am diseased' rather than disease? The last line would work better, I think.
your poem reminded me of van gogh chopping his ear off and painting with it ! Not putting a line break at the end was not wise, therefore the wisdom you seek is here.............PUT IN A LINE BREAK< RESUBMIT POEM, your vote eill be waaaay better.
quite liked the poem 6 (would have given 8)
poetandknowit
on Gilded Stumps of Olde (AN STORY THAT IS NOT AN POEME) by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
13 Nov 2002, 8:51 AM
somebody it secretly pushing DA to the top. who is it and why?
Why it is Settle and DA himself that is who. How sad DA, how sad. I didn't figure you that way. Maybe you have died and someone took over your user name.
oddly enough i think i know where you are coming from and understand. this thanksgiving, i'll only try to piss off 4 relatives instead of my usual 9.
What are you trying to prove here? go back to writing about football and spare us your goof rants.
I feel guily for laughing at the last line, I like the angle your coming from, I'll email it to tony 'poodle' blair
Thank you! It is very sweet of you to answer my request. I don' get the visual of 'simmer with mirth' but that is my only criticism. If you did a bit of research a bet you could come up with a real killer, ha ha. Now when I look up DU on the web your poem will come up along with 100,000 other sites. You should be proud.
i feel like the last stanza is not as powerful as the others, though it is the Voice that claims the power. hmm.
this is a good one and i know how it feels to have someone taken away.
glad i never played with you !
it's "tore" but "teared" conjures images of crying...
may i suggest you aske the WISE CLOGG?
nice metaphor.