Re: A Spring bird in November (Edit) by Sasha	zodiac 212.118.14.17	10-Nov-04/12:26 AM
The definite articles throughout - but especially in the first line - are hideous and a waste of space. With the same syllables I could have said, oh, I don't know, Against flat, skin-white winter skies, Against glass-hard November skies, On unforgiving surfaced skies, - and so on and so on, without the presumption of "the". And "flies and plies" is a little too sing-songy, even for a song. Even "flies; it plies" would have been better, though not much. Drop the "flies", I say (*snicker, snicker*) and get an adjective before "bird".
Re: A Child Learns (haiku) by poetryman	Bachus 24.130.62.63	9-Nov-04/5:56 PM
Is there 8 syllabols in line 2?
Re: "I post here cause I have a lot of readers" by Bachus	edpeterson 68.79.60.123	9-Nov-04/7:53 PM
Yikes...
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 205.188.116.67	9-Nov-04/8:42 PM
NICE POEM ! Poor deer :(...i almost....shed a tear..or that might have been the saw dust from cutting wood..maybe ill will read it tomorrow when the sawdust comes out :)then i will see..but for now, and always...a 10/10
Re: An Afternoon Walk by Dovina	oneglove 205.133.194.234	9-Nov-04/10:38 PM
this poem had really good flow, but bachus does have some good points. though maybe i'm just not a talented enough reader to fully understand your choice of words.
Re: An Afternoon Walk by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.14.17	10-Nov-04/12:33 AM
Maybe I've just not taken enough time on this (I haven't), but I don't immediately see how the imagery is supposed to work. Either a) the "shallow and dirty snow" and "crusty and clean" snow are the jokes, and the "black limbs sagging" and "tan earth" are the missives; b) or the "shallow and dirty snow" and "black limbs sagging" are the jokes, and the "crusty and clean" snow and the "tan earth" are the missives. There's no other way around it. If a), how are his jokes both "shallow and dirty" and low, and "crusty and clean" and lofty? And how are "black limbs sagging" and "tan earth hidden" missives? The limbs, maybe, reach out - that works. But the earth is the opposite; it's passive and hidden. Sure, you can be reaching out and being passive and hidden probably, but not in metaphor land. Choice b) seems more likely. You get "shallow and dirty" and kind of desparate limbs reaching out and sagging for the jokes. But then you get clean tree snow and hidden earth for the missives. How are either of those missives? And aren't they still opposites? Go ahead, tell me where I've gone wrong.
Re: Leftout by RION12	jroday 204.215.33.169	10-Nov-04/2:29 AM
Everyone, regardless of how naturally optimistic he or she is, has to work at remaining positive.Also find the good. It's all around you. find it, showcase it,and you'll start believing in it.
Re: Leftout by RION12	edpeterson 68.79.60.123	10-Nov-04/6:08 AM
"i'm a creep and i'm a weirdo what the hell am i doing here? I don't belong here" interesting the way you write "leftout" as one word. radiohead circa 1990 something unperfect. strangely, i think this may be better than imperfect. you are just unwanted
Re: Ebony shadow by Twiggy77	Twiggy77 217.137.233.90	10-Nov-04/6:38 AM
Guess who was depressed for a while.
Re: A Child Learns (haiku) by poetryman	richa 81.178.133.114	10-Nov-04/7:43 AM
By posting your poem you are asking for it to be judged. 'Children are conceived with no hatred or racism' is saying that children are conceived by an act of love not hate. But what about children conceived through rape. Bachus has proved your statement to be false. No problem with that criticism. Haikus are traditionally 5-7-5 therefore the comment 'the second line has 8 syllables' is fair criticism. That you claim to be well read in haiku yet you write something which resembles a haiku in no way (except children can be in haikus) leaves you open to criticism on that score too. How can you turn on the critics for doing what is asked of them. Did someone tell you that everyone must like you and everyone must say nice things about you. Believe me there is nothing here that would not be said to your face. Poemranker however is not face to face, therefore it is kind of difficult to criticise face to face. If we could I am sure many would like to give you a slap for your apalling petulance.
Re: Ebony shadow by Twiggy77	poetryman 66.173.175.21	10-Nov-04/8:34 AM
sentenced, but other than that, twas good, especially the last stanza, only we allow the lessons of life to teach us to hate, as I'm a firm believer that hate is learned behavior.....
Re: A Spring bird in November (Edit) by Sasha	edpeterson 68.79.60.123	10-Nov-04/9:01 AM
i have to agree with Jimmy Z on this one, though I doubt i would have noticed myself, otherwise. What you have is really good.
Re: An Afternoon Walk by Dovina	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	10-Nov-04/9:05 AM
Dovina this poem is your aceest.However the last two verses are complete bum tripe and do not belong on this fine work. The imagery is quite nice but then to try and relate it to something completely imaginary like a relationship between you and a man is just absurd! I suggest you write two further verses about pine forests and cold soil. Until there are changes I reserve my vote.
Re: A Child Learns (haiku) by poetryman	Stephen Robins 195.92.198.71	10-Nov-04/10:58 AM
As failed as a gallop with the scullery maid whilst trying to speak on the telephone.
regarding some deleted poem...	Bachus 24.130.62.63	10-Nov-04/11:49 AM
I was banned at AP for threedays for passing gas in the mouth of another, pray for me.
regarding some deleted poem...	fair12 66.84.225.2	10-Nov-04/2:44 PM
I try not to say anything disparaging - but you're a much better writer than this - this made me think you were 12 - or younger. My 9 year old niece writes better than this piece.
regarding some deleted poem...	edpeterson 68.79.60.123	10-Nov-04/3:24 PM
Don’t smoke, don’t drink, Don’t lie, and don’t think, I couldn’t tell, Last night, by the smell, Of your voice. this stanza isreally good. way too many commas, though. Don’t smoke, don’t drink, Don’t lie and don’t think I couldn’t tell, Last night, by the smell Of your voice. This would make more sense to me, the way i read it. the rest, well... "I am surprised and stunned by your care, Thanks so much for teaching me not to swear." I cannot believe you wrote this and said...yah..that's good. sounds right. awful. It would at least have been kinda funny if you had said, "not to fucking swear" the repeating stanza redeems this somewhat. There may be hope for you yet.
regarding some deleted poem...	horus8 198.81.26.16	10-Nov-04/3:38 PM
I'm going to pee in your mouth, that's a promise.
regarding some deleted poem...	horus8 198.81.26.16	10-Nov-04/3:40 PM
Your need to rhyme, is thyme. Suck me balls, let's postulate like mallards.
regarding some deleted poem...	horus8 198.81.26.16	10-Nov-04/3:43 PM
I often have visions of you, in tiny edible pieces.