regarding some deleted poem...	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	7-Jul-04/8:16 AM
Indeed
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.158.88	7-Jul-04/12:25 PM
What is this sculpture a match to? I don't understand the trap either.
Re: Bankruptcy (2) by INTRANSIT	god'swife 209.178.158.88	7-Jul-04/12:26 PM
What does this mean?
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.158.88	7-Jul-04/12:31 PM
Forget the last stanza it's too obvious. 'Waiting''s a good way to end this poem.
Re: Unsung california dreamin. by SupremeDreamer	god'swife 209.178.158.88	7-Jul-04/12:34 PM
This is ridiculously hard to follow. Your sentences are absurdly lengthy.
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.158.88	7-Jul-04/12:36 PM
How does the first stanza tie into this scene?
Re: Differences by gavinduff	god'swife 209.178.158.88	7-Jul-04/12:38 PM
Remove the last sentence. You don't have to give the punchline away. 'Life sustain' is a silly pun, it doesn't work.
regarding some deleted poem...	wFraser Allonby Q.C.w 195.157.153.253	7-Jul-04/10:03 AM
I would like to dissociate myself from this crude and offensive poeme
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 63.164.145.198	7-Jul-04/10:05 AM
I suppose "lying" is more accurate. It's what we do at deathbeds, damn it. Good poem.
Re: A Piñon Limb by Dovina	Shuushin 147.154.235.52	7-Jul-04/10:52 AM
Not too shabby at all, nope, not at all. Because of the length I feel okay picking on a line, this one :"Where winter rains paint frozen needles," needs a meter tweek I think. But really, it doesn't hurt the thing much - well done.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.54	7-Jul-04/7:21 AM
"Speak quickly when lying"-- Would that be telegraphing the message? Change your name more often so when I give you a -10- I can feel less like a fan and more like an objective reader.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.54	7-Jul-04/7:25 AM
You need some keys in your wallet. I didn't read the original but this last stanza flows well.
Re: Unsung california dreamin. by SupremeDreamer	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.54	7-Jul-04/7:31 AM
I feel so unclean.
regarding some deleted poem...	edpeterson 68.79.1.86	7-Jul-04/5:54 AM
this is a haiku. it is in the present moment. everything is natural. and who gives a fuck? the title: i don't know. the link to brando is necessary for full effect, but why not just Brando? 3rd line...i would like it better as "the moon grown fat" perhaps making the entire ku one sentence. i have become addicted to haiku, and have written nothing but for the past 2 weeks or so...quite frustrating actually. I wish i had never written one. this one is damn good.
Re: Whore by gavinduff	edpeterson 68.79.1.86	7-Jul-04/6:01 AM
let me be the first to say "davinguff" sentence structure is a major, crucial element in all writing, including free verse, prose and even some grocery lists. the worthwhile writer takes his potential audience into consideration, and tries to structure sentences in a way that makes them understandable to that audience. I think the poem is pretty good, though it feels like a preach in parts. this is unsavory.
regarding some deleted poem...	edpeterson 68.79.1.86	7-Jul-04/6:11 AM
i dont think you have to write "i look at them" the following action implies this just fine. good poem.
Re: Bankruptcy (2) by INTRANSIT	edpeterson 68.79.1.86	7-Jul-04/6:14 AM
lions could use an apostrophe
Re: Bankruptcy by INTRANSIT	edpeterson 68.79.1.86	7-Jul-04/6:17 AM
i am not entirely sure, but i don't think that the word "loom" can be used as a transitive verb. perhaps move the word loom to the first line or use a comma. this goes well with part 2, and is pretty good, and even a bit funny.
Re: Urbane Jane by MacFrantic	edpeterson 68.79.1.86	7-Jul-04/6:24 AM
i still do not understand why sung and not sang.
regarding some deleted poem...	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 212.219.223.138	7-Jul-04/6:52 AM
Please change the title to "Butter Me Up".