I've been to this poem twice now. I'll give it a third in a few days.

I think you could lose the comma. I know you can do better.

Curveball. A little too forward, I think. I like the ingredients

I get to use my favorite suggestion. Put it in the blender and hit frappe. It comes across a little too list-like. Blend the people with the foods a bit. There's much to work with here. Please revise.

chaos is much too good for me? ok then.

I almost missed this. It's a bit list-like.( I have the same problem) If you go through and cut as many, well, look at the left column of words and then blend the sentences more. Man, theres so much here to work with and I wanna rewrite it to help(I won't). I don't know where to begin. 6. I really want to see a revision.

As a christian I am mildly piqued but as a logophile I am mortally offended.:(

I feel you are not critical enough of your own ungodliness. Is religious devotion really a consequence of a truth being 'forgotten' or do the religious search for a truth that was never reachable through non devotion. 'Wisdom wanes cleverness and knowledge shines' I find intriguing although I can not be sure whether you see wisdom waning as a loss that leads to the undeserved precedence of knowledge or that you see something wrong with wisdom that stands in the way of knowledge. In the final couplet chaos can be interpreted as the lack of a truth the predominance of relativism and cynicism that values nothing and that the new church can be a good thing. I don't think you meant that though. The poem sounds good anyway. It is a shame some of the words didn't have different meanings.

are you gay too.

I like the way the words sound. Does he have to be illiterate it seems a bit of a cheap jibe.

Not keen on the final line but this is good. I like how a little story is interweaved into the poem.

I like the whole package, don't listen to the theist sheep.

I like the last line; their scents are a cliche in themselves, pre-packaged and all, and I like that you refused to acknowledge their other scent ingredients. How cliche is it,really, when perhaps 25% of the population use those products? When is it cliche, and when is it just statistically accurate?

I like the disorganization, and think it could be more pronounced so you'd not have to reveal the diagnosis of schizophrenia twice. I like your wordplay around lines 9-10, but those words don't really mean all that much to me.

You use some unusual words: devotement (devotion, perhaps); devout as a noun (but it works); redounded (a more common word might do better). Overall, it's a novel thing and therefore good.

Enjamb if you want to, but I think a period is needed after flickering. Perhaps a title about subject matter; I know it's a film, but does that really matter? I think the second verse is better than the first because of the nebulous fascist reference.

The last line tells us. How about if the park were too quiet, or some intimation of.

I'm assuming there's barf involved here. I'd invert lines one and three.

way too forward. turn the volume down.

Again, this tells us. Tone it down, put some camoflage in it. Just a little can work wonders. Last minute suggestion. Use the coloration of the birds themselves more.