Dan garcia-Black
on you've returned i'm glad by richa
21 Aug 2007, 11:58 AM
I can see this poem is not about the return of your mind.
Quite like it. I'm not sure if you are imagining conversation between chairs it needs to be silent (chairs would hardly be communicating in subtle gestures). Talking in silence has become a bit of a cliche. I like the firework simile and the old soldiers bit. The disembodied sandals are a bit peculiar but the poem is supposed to be fantastical so it kind of works.
Is calomine an alternate spelling of calamine, and was the vineyard actually a grove of poison ivy?
yes we do
Who gave this a zero and didn't comment? It is hard to work the word chitin into a poem! Nice mix of the literal and metaphoric: carpenter as god, carpenter ant, etc.
mmm-mmm good
justice?
in the stock market?
Please write a part three.
I had to school myself Wikipedia-style about Senryu --
"SenryÅ« (å·æ³, literally 'river willow') is a Japanese form of short poetry similar to haiku in construction: three lines with 17 or fewer morae [typo in Wikipedia or omission? maybe someone can explain?] (not syllables) in total. However, senryÅ« tend to be about human foibles while haiku tend to be about nature, and senryÅ« are often cynical or darkly humorous while haiku are serious. SenryÅ« do not need to include a kigo, or season word, like haiku."
Anyway, I think I can hereforth only speak and write in Senryu. My foibles have been bursting to find a proper outlet, and damn, am I sick of writing those serious, nature-based haiku.
P.S. thank you
"a devout with a minor in debauchery," an absolutely brilliant line.
I couldn't have put it better about poor Colin, even if I had written it myself.
"I" absolutely adore this poem!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
23 Aug 2007, 2:01 PM
I like this. My take is the narrator is so self-righteous he can't see the forest for the trees.
Nice write.
I second Paul S.
I have trouble with this Skilton creep. He's a mental defective mongo and a train spotter so we shouldn't be too unkind to him. On 2nd thoughts, let's laugh.
Good to see you writing again :)
waaaaaaa
YES ! Two small nits. J-flits, and Old spice... oh wait
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.