Dovina
replying on The Rockets’ Song by Dovina
13 Dec 2004, 1:22 PM
You must receive great pleasure in being unintelligible to everyone who's not special enough to be let in on your slang, to be one of the people who know what it means. Strange, I thought writing was a means of communication.
You have written me a poem. How very touching. Of course you will take my saying so as facetious. But no. And to show my appreciation, I will comment at length, without slander or name calling, and with an only purpose of constructive feedback.
It could not have been written during the accident, but after it, making the title not only too long, but confusing.
Comma before “given” in versa 2.
“always more-or-less the same” seems neither accurate, nor logically sound or even a line that says anything. Besides, the thought is expressed above.
“’God-fearing’ once in his life, uncynically.” Doesn’t say much. Everyone does it once. Try “often.”
The man who was thrown was on the bus, and the narrator was on the bus, else how could the narrator develop so detailed an opinion of him or know he had been in the lavatory. Yet the man flew over the dash (Do busses have dashes?) and through the windshield of the bus, while all of the other passengers were only pressed forward against seatbacks. The narrator had to have been sitting near the front of the bus to see the man’s flight after he penetrated the windshield, and remained in his seat during the flight, or at least not far from it, to notice the man’s expression. The thrown man probably landed on the car involved in the head-on collision (I assume it was head-on), yet no mention of it. When a bus hits a car head-on, and the driver of the car is not hurt badly, then the collision happened at low speed, which would cause little impact to the much-heavier bus. Okay, if you say so, but it seems the physics should be presented more believably if you want us to consider the philosophy. Saying, “the physics of the thing are suspect.” Isn’t enough.
“up-falling rain of pebbled glass” Since you’ve opened this ethereal aspect, this line could be related to the thrown man’s character as you developed it above, bring cause to the result, bringing relevance to the collision. Just an idea.
I’ll yield to experience on that.
I’ve considered that little red x a few times, but then reconsidered because, while annoying, those comments by asstrological signers add credence to the utter nonsense of asstrology.
You are so, so cool! Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
You have to many mistakes in here. The rhyme is off. Alot of your sentances don't make sence.
Example:
that has caught your own eye
and makes you think
it's better than it was.
that has cought your eye
etc etc...Reread this poem and fix the mistakes.
This is not a Haiku
A haiku has 5,7,5 and is about nature
Say the count was right then it would be a Senriu, those are about humans.
we really do have a lot in common, i always get hung on shit too. just feels wrong to forget it...
-10-
i think this is your best one, well mabye the one about truth is better, but there close anyway
remember, life is just a circle, and your family dances in it.
-9- for once again being in my head....
bruises on the heart fade much more slowly than those of the body. sometimes there never really gone and the slightest touch or a harsh thought can bring your bruises to the surface again
get out of my head!
After watching a baseball game or two, I thought that at the beginning of the action the empire shouted, "Play Balls!" So the players aren't supposed to...uh...you know?
On a completely different subject I discovered a cool 'x' on the lower right-hand corner of the comment box. You can delete comments made by annoying asstrological signers by left-clicking the 'x.' It is part of the "freedom of speech" philosophy on poemranker. You have the right to say anything you want to me in comments. I have the right to delete comments. "America, what a country!" J. Smirnoff
The grey prince of guffs would be apposite.
You appalling flange.
Just out of curiosity, which of the above is your pseudonym?
I hope it's "Damian Gaelic".
"Plum" as used on poemranker is only nebulous inasmuch as you are an extremely nebulous person incapable of getting it, which is a lot. Why don't you do yourself a favor and enter the term "plum" on the comment search-o-mat above? Oh, right, because your dumb.
PS-Don't talk about slang anymore until you get some kind of idea about it. Slang is designed to be unintelligible to everyone who's not "special" enough to be let in on it. Consider: when enough people start getting a slang term, the originators usually change terms. Jargon is designed to be intelligible to everyone in the field to which it applies. Jargon is only useful if both parties in a dialogue know what it means. Slang is even cooler when one of the parties doesn't know what it means. In most other ways, the two words are unrelated except in your dim conception of them. And "plum" on poemranker actually means plum, you dimtard!!!
In short, your totally backwards again. Be ashamed.
Got to get that cup just right dont want nothing happening to the family jewels you understand.
Your title is a confusingly worded sign in West Virginia. Once past it, the grass is green.
The second verse is a bit preachy and some of the rhymes are forced, and it's wordy, but the idea is good and your feelings are good, and it's a good thing to say in some succinct way.