richa
replying on An Afternoon Walk by Dovina
10 Nov 2004, 2:10 AM
The correct use of logic is what gives a poem depth. How can a poem be anything but surface if the surface only applies to itself. For instance 'the snow makes me warm' this can only mean you like snow (warm feeling) the reader can infer nothing from the properties of snow that could make you warm.
With respect to your constant demeaning of 'smart' people. It reminds me of the time my negro maid fired this gem at me when I read her my masterpiece: "I have no time for false intellectualism". I was so humbled I modified my masterpiece. I ask her every day what she thinks. It garners the same reply. Every day I modify my masterpiece. Will I ever achieve true intellectualism.
Truth is more than a mental exercise.The next time you want to leave me a comment.Dont leave me a fucking dimtard comment if that's the best education you've got.Here's one for you to grow on.I HAVE FOUND THOUGHTS AND WORDS TO BE THE FOUNDATION FOR SUCCESS AND FAILURE IN LIFE.
Maybe I've just not taken enough time on this (I haven't), but I don't immediately see how the imagery is supposed to work. Either
a) the "shallow and dirty snow" and "crusty and clean" snow are the jokes, and the "black limbs sagging" and "tan earth" are the missives;
b) or the "shallow and dirty snow" and "black limbs sagging" are the jokes, and the "crusty and clean" snow and the "tan earth" are the missives. There's no other way around it.
If a), how are his jokes both "shallow and dirty" and low, and "crusty and clean" and lofty? And how are "black limbs sagging" and "tan earth hidden" missives? The limbs, maybe, reach out - that works. But the earth is the opposite; it's passive and hidden. Sure, you can be reaching out and being passive and hidden probably, but not in metaphor land.
Choice b) seems more likely. You get "shallow and dirty" and kind of desparate limbs reaching out and sagging for the jokes. But then you get clean tree snow and hidden earth for the missives. How are either of those missives? And aren't they still opposites?
Go ahead, tell me where I've gone wrong.
The definite articles throughout - but especially in the first line - are hideous and a waste of space. With the same syllables I could have said, oh, I don't know,
Against flat, skin-white winter skies,
Against glass-hard November skies,
On unforgiving surfaced skies,
- and so on and so on, without the presumption of "the".
And "flies and plies" is a little too sing-songy, even for a song. Even "flies; it plies" would have been better, though not much. Drop the "flies", I say (*snicker, snicker*) and get an adjective before "bird".
He means the middle line has eight syllables, rather than the correct seven. Googling "haiku", "children" and "nature", I found a bunch of sites (like this one: www.eliteskills.com/z/24904) full of you spouting about how the Japanese think children are the highest form of nature, and nothing else. So I had the Japanese girl sitting next to me google it in Japanese and got even less. Now shut up. People who say haikus have to be about nature are full of ripe turds anyway.
this poem had really good flow, but bachus does have some good points. though maybe i'm just not a talented enough reader to fully understand your choice of words.
Yikes...
nothing is more dangerous than fucking dimtards spouting aphorisms of their own design. unless you happen to count the giant missiles being fired from -=Dark Angel=-'s massive rump.
Is there 8 syllabols in line 2?
What about a child of rape?
Jroday, Whenever you consider posting a poem or a comment on Poemranker, it’s wise to check the spelling first, insure correct punctuation, grammar and, most of all, logic. These are the things the “smart” people here consider before they call you a dimtard. But as you say, that is not your business, and if logic, grammar and the like concerned you as greatly as something deeper, you would have written to those ends. I am going to think about “sincere ignorance” and “conscientious stupidity” because I believe they will have more to say in time. Thanks for your comment.
Dovina! others may deprive you of your material wealth
and cheat you in a thousand ways, but no man can deprive you of the control and use of your imagination.
That's why I say nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere Ignorance and consciencious stupidity.I am sure that I'm going to get some kind of
smart comment from someone, but understand! What people
think of me isn't any of my business.And I would like for you to remember that my friend.
Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse. It's so hard to be clear, why would anyone confuse intentionally?
Dust is dry as it moves windborne in the air and remains dry when it falls on snow. Only if the snow begins to melt does the dust become damp.
The Japanese, who were the true originators of writing Haiku, considered children as the highest form of nature. Read Ho-Chu
This is not a haiku
it is a discredited view.
I would replace the first two lines. A level knocks on a door?!. The second line is plain inelegant. And I would write more.
Not sure about this one. 'You're something witty' where it is sounds bizarre. Short sentences are fine in building up tempo but the linebreaks impede this and I spent too much time figuring out how each line followed on from the other.
Most of your recent poems; soul fruit, a wanderlust to the new, zipmark'd etc have been pretty good (the use of composite words in wanderlust I enjoyed) and have sounded wonderful. I think part of the reason for this is the longer verses bring out your lyricality in a way this poem does not.
Ah "crusty and clean"
Like brain cancer.
the third stanza
is utter crap, but...
I didn't know weaker defense was dusty?
And I've never seen snow with dust, because
dust is dry, do you mean silt? or dusty snow?
Only you could make an afternoon walk, this
fucking confusing.