SupremeDreamer
on Flying things by INTRANSIT
25 Jul 2004, 7:56 AM
Good stuff, and I can relate to some of whats said, old friend. Blessed with nine, good luck and sharper pen points.
Might be more true to the title and the intent I want to show, maybe less provocative. dunno. I'll think about it.
did you spread it on toast? or did he shoot it in too deep?
If this means what I think it does, sad, very sad. Good poem though
Many blobby thanks!!!! blobby blob blob
C'mon people..vote and leave comments..
thanks dan- its nice to know someone gets it
the punctuation of this needs a LOT of work, since the sentences, though poetic, are barely represented.
try a comma or two, and check your ending punctuation, there are some places where you need question marks, but lack them.
the poem isn't strong enough to drown out the grammatical errors, so my voting would be pointless.
this needs honing. badly.
Don't jump! Here's a -7-. Write on, right on.
are you a cigarette?
ah, well, you almost tricked me.
The turtle wins!-9-
Love it. How does "They paid their respects" instead of "did it" sound to you? Grandpaw was such a 'perv' (in a good way).
This is:
A: A practice in innovation?
B: A practice at sonnets. (Doubtfully needed)
C: A practice in detais.
My unsuredness begets you a rank score.
2 rs', no?
I would have preferred it if the girl's grandfather rose up out of the grave and raped her, filling her with his zombied seed. That would also leave room for a sequel. Quite good anyway.
What are you talking about? This poem is quality. Lines of such import as, "On his way out he carries a sack" are a rarity, both on this site and on the professional circuit. And in this context, the line provides an almost sublime climax to the first verse. If I need say more, consider the following considerations:
The pun on "pray" in the second verse is deliciously satirical, whilst the subsequent line leaves the reader free to dwell upon what horrific battle injuries might prevent one from lying down; having one's back blown off by a landmine for example, or cramp. We are then treated to another transendent verse ending with, "He listens to every command from his sire." With this antediluvian imagery, I believe the author is making a point about the timeless nature of war.
I must confess, by the third verse I was moved to tears. The though of all those poor soldiers having to refrain from "shooting hoops" (a coloquial reference to the popular sport of netball) for several months was simply heart-rending.
However, the last line just leaves room for an ember of hope. Wonderful. A well deserved 10 here I think.
how wide is your snatch?
I don't think this is crap and that all kids think they can be profound. Plus how do you know if I'm a kid or not. Plus you messed up one of you crappy poems so bad that when i read it I laughed so hard I cried. Loser.
This shows some grasp of imagery. The rhymes are once again forced though. When you have a word accented on the penultimate syllable ending a line, you should have 11 syllables in the line total.