richa
on Phoebus by SupremeDreamer
19 Jun 2004, 12:04 PM
Like the first two verses in terms of their lyricism. And most of the rest of it, its just the parts of the poem 'revealing yourself' seems a bit removed. Especially verse three.
Sliver: 19jun04--9:10am
'no matter how hard we try, I'm a mutton shunter we will always reveal at least a part of who we are in whatever we write'
IS IT YOU MR BLOBBY?
ARE YOU THE REAL MR BLOBBY
DR Limerick
on On the Discovery of Simple Sam and A Russian Catastrophe by MacFrantic
19 Jun 2004, 9:52 AM
YES GOOD LIMERICK LIKE IT!!!!
Death can't be thwarted? other than that, 10, definitely.
I hope you didn't write this after reading a few of mine last night! So true, no matter how hard we try, we will always reveal at least a part of who we are in whatever we write. I think it is unavoidable, kinda like death.
Hey doug, this has a very honest feel to it.
Let me pick at it a bit too, hopefully focusing on things you might use in other poems.
the word "can" just takes up space, really it does't convey anything except as a noun.
And "still" - same thing.
LEt me give you one more thing to think about. This saying you hear LMich and actually using the word "hear" - also not a big value adding word in this context.
Suppose you had done instead
Lake Michigan
soft and stoic, cobalt breakers
lilted Beer Garden breezes ... [etc.]
See, the same thing is conveyed but without the burden of those words; it's [I hope] more showing than telling. Why make the reader work if they get nothing in return?
But even without that stuff, this still has a very sweet feel.
Thank you Deep Thought
Ok, this poem was just a bad excuse to use big words..Haha..That wasnt very nice of me to say but..It was OK so I will grant you a -7-
Do you know what 'discriminative' really means?
Besides, math is the most narrow-minded thing ever. You can't just go around prattling math-sounding nonsense like 'Point A must always meet point B unless a line divides a means' like you would with poetry-sounding nonsense. Point A almost never 'meets' point B. A line 'dividing the means,' whatever that means, has nothing to do with whether the two points 'meet'. That's not being narrow-minded any more than insisting 2 + 2 = 4 (instead of, say, 'purple') is narrow-minded. Please, get a life and stop writing about math. Thanks.
Hi! You know, despite our difference of opinions on opinions, I think your poemes are really good. You should try to get some of them published!
Wicked..
42
yup. which makes it ironic to post anything on a site this discriminative and narrow-minded.
Certain stanzas were pretty good, but some of the other stuff such as:
"Did the sun blind me that day?
Cloud my eyes from reality
Create feelings you never felt for me?"
AND
"Oh let me swing!
You thought I would look silly among the kids
We were suppose to go back that night
Do you remember?
But it rained-so we said ânext timeâ"
Really sounded childish or "teenaged". The rest could be revised into a more fluid and enjoyable piece. As for how that could be done? I leave you to figure that out for yourself-- it's better that way, me thinks.
Blessed with seven.