daveslady
on Moving Forward In Reverse (For Ann) by wilco
18 Apr 2004, 11:17 PM
no words. cryin
I would give you a ten for this line alone...
Iâll be your Elliot Smith
If youâll be my Sylvia Plath
But then you go on to write several more stand out lines...I loved it!
Sorry if anyone read this before I fixed a couple typos. Also apologizing for the format; it looked much better in MSWord :-) Each stanza should have six lines, with a couple of five line stanzas. The last line is meant to sit alone.
the problem with writing down lyrics is that, more often than not, it doesn't flow for the reader without a tune behind it. could you write in a tab chart to go along with it? no vote from me; lyrics take on a completely different meaning when put to music.
it's weaker than your past stuff... i just finished reading about a dozen of your past poems. there's no real point, and the fact that it starts with an AIM reference turned me off. if the whole poem had been about a messenging service it would have a lot of potential.
cute in a middle school kind of way
ggawrysi
on Dear M Foucault, or, How I knew our relationship was doomed by zodiac
18 Apr 2004, 10:36 PM
Did you know that Foucault's first book was the "History of Sexuality?" Leave it to a French philosopher.
I think your previous work is better... you're trying too hard to be deep. Loosen up and let things flow; if they're deep they're deep, but don't force it :-)
sorry - didn't like it. need to elaborate or something i think. diggin the concept but it didn't pack enough punch (in my very humble opinion).
just being real. hope not to offend you know...
Now maybe you've swung too far into vagueness. That's ok, you seem to get better with each new poem.
If you ever find a woman who'll agree to sing this for you, I beg you to pull her fingers out of her mouth and nostrils before she suffocates. Then you should give each other home-sterilization jobs using a jury-rigged microwave and tinfoil codpieces before rabbitfucking yourselves off the nearest cliff. -10-
hmmm....good enough I guess..but I'm going to have to change it to a 9 until I hear her sing it..
Lets just say i've written it for a female singer
That is....assuming that you're female. If not, I'll have to change it to a 0.
Thank you VERY much!
As a man, I cannot help but give this a 10.
all right. much better.
I feel much better, thanks. But if it makes you feel any better...at least you are one of the few people who's irate rants make any sense....