Cripes!

Thanks, Shuushin, for looking in and commenting on both this and yesterday's submission. I'll keep trying, but you're a hard man to please :-).

Some good tidbits; more clever than effective.

rushed ending - the rest is a nice little ride. make try some ends?

"On a Gethsemane of popcorn" is a nice line, but doesn't get the visual punch it should, I think, because popcorn needs to be doing something in this place (like being strewn on the ground or something) rather than being the place. "salted phial" is a nice ryhme with smile, if slightly out of context - overall, it shows a nice control of language - maybe shows -off- a bit too, but the subject isn't terribly appealing (personally) - it may find a market though since it's topical. Best be quick though.

2nd stanza has to go. What else you got? the rest is very nice with some solid poetic language. So, overall I like how you say it, but what you say isn't too engaging.

oh. close. betrayal, suicide - so many poems to compete with and this one just gets trampled.

the tiny words that don't add value don't hurt this one as much because its a nice sentiment. You could beef it up by trimming it down though - still - quite well done.

okay - not too shabby. But it needs some trimming of those little words to help give the idea some pop. and some color, sound - another sense.

smells like a poem; a good approximation.

... something one might use to warm up to start writing a poem. Start from the drop kick and go from there.

"ponder yet a second laughter screen" makes me struggle. drawers boxers redundant, fine but as a rationalization to mirror words in the next few lines - no. this smells synthetic somehow; strung together from random thoughts then a pasting of the first line to the last to imitate structure and - done. Thats what it looks like anyway.

aphoristic, and could be truth - but it's only a subset of a poem.

problem with this: "As a mother intent on With a million vows." the language use with all those conjunctions, prepositions and simple verbs doesn't do this much help.

hmmmm.... some line breaks would give this a better flow. Some fresh thoughts on a pretty common theme.

Some verbs would have been nice.

A toilet-approved Swiss army jodhpur of triumph -10-

Hey - not a bad hook. Could make a good song.

My favorite part was when you kinda summarized all your previous points at the end. That really drew it all together for me.

"You, a new flavor expanding Across my windshield." Richard, for this kind of [sadly very common] subject matter it needs to really stand out to, well, stand out. Some good imagery here, but not truly striking.