annabellee
on How to sleep sitting up by Bachus
30 Jan 2004, 8:51 PM
WOW! That's powerful stuff! 10 and that's the only 10 worth it I've seen so far.
I get it and like it. 9
I felt the thud-
-Ing. 9
This is good. 8
"long lush fronds" take us right out of the desert.
The contrast doesn't make sense.
A bit cliched, but promising.
No, I'm sorry, I wouldn't waste my time writing poems about you
i really enjoyed how you describe around the topic
beating around the bush with artistry : )
'within' is one word, as is 'cannot'. You also spelt 'bleakness' incorrectly. In general, the piece is awkward and unpleasantly written. I mean look at this line, for instance:
'The rest is fake my soul is broken.'
What you've done there is squashed two stupid sentences into one, extra stupid, non-sentence. You need something to separate the two. Either a semi-colon, i.e 'The rest is fake; my soul is broken!', or just have them as separate sentences. I suspect that had you just written down what you were trying to say, without trying make it into a poeme, you probably would have ended up with something far more coherent. What you have instead is a mess with arbitrary linebreaks. Good effort though! -10-
They'll be quaking in their boots when thay read this. Powerful stuff! -10-
Is this about Ovid? I like it a lot. Come back poetandknowit, you've not been on the ranker for a long while.
Too right, let's go through it, class:
'Wanna' instead of 'want to'
'Purple'... doesn't need a capital p
'I' instead of 'i'
'It's' - no apostrophe with this 'its only a dream', its not a possesive, young lady.
Again, 'I', not 'i'
Third time, clumseYdaiseY, capital I for the self, thought you had sorted it out two lines before.
And a fourth!!!! Detention young lady, I've warned you about incorrect use of 'I'!
Now you've missed the capital of 'And'. May only be a conjunction, but its still important.
Double detention, you missed the capital T for 'There'. You appear to have been registered for last week, I can only conclude you were too busy passing notes to concentrate on what I was saying about the higher case.
Now algebra...
Very atmospheric and a really nice use of metre. And the cross-rhyme of 'mars' (should be capitalised) and 'stars' is beautiful. This exotic stuff and I agree that it sounds as if it's leading to something else. Is it?
Is this a satire? It's very badly spelt, whatever it is.
500
lbs. of salty justice. That's a bit much. For any man!
Thanks. It was good to see someone recognize this.
Iâm not sure Tennyson would approve. Although, I like to imagine he would at least commend the effort. Imitation is after all the highest form of flattery and in this case, brought inspiration to a word-weary poet. I like the changes you made to yours. Iâm sure Iâm nit picking but Iâm still not satisfied with <we be> it is better though. Iâm not familiar with the poem you mention. Iâll see if I can find it.