Shuushin
on Whispering (Zero Atmosphere) by Y2kSlamPoet
9 Oct 2003, 6:35 AM
First off, and I haven't even read the thing - the physical look of it (the concreteness) is very appealing. Okay, gonna read it now...
easy stuff first: consider "... by [the] poet's pen" (possessive pen). I realize you might have intentionally pluralized poets and referred to pen in a singular sense, but thats gonna be too complicated for most people.
The general idea is well stated, and I think it buys you a "bye" on the slightly trite language in stanza three.
I love the dipping cupped hands - fairly stunning. Tweak stanza three and you'll have a real winner.
Despite the previous vote of ten, I really wasn't convinced until the last line - and really, if it was a poem of just that one line, I would be just as satisfied.
this bit in particular:
"Left me scraping our palette of lost love" gave me a little grimace.
Dont' get me wrong though, I do really like the idea of the empty easel as it relates to a missing person, then the memory of him/her as the painting; that's really cool.
Just thinking the palete related stuff feels awkward - complicates the composition of the poem ... (keep it to three things, one that contrasts with the other two, right?)
Joe-joe
replying on Joe-Joe's Retard Trinity Remix (There can be only one) by Y2kSlamPoet
9 Oct 2003, 3:32 AM
Horus,
I am somewhat suprised at you. You are so serious and sensitive about your own work but so inconsiderate and so flipant about the work of others. I am ammused by it all.....having long ago past the point of taking any of the shit here seriously. I've learned a bit about you. I think you are very confused about who you are. Are you a serious artist...or are you a clown...I guess you can be both if you wish....are you a man of wisdom or are you child getting kicks out of the most simple pervsions? I've lost some respect for you my friend....please don't respond by telling me how little you care about my respect and don't try to explain or rationalize...I also am not interested in hearing your insults....it's so boring..Save the childish nonesense for some of the other kiddies on this site that you have so much fun with.
Joe-joe
replying on Joe-Joe's Retard Trinity Remix (There can be only one) by Y2kSlamPoet
9 Oct 2003, 3:21 AM
You all have become soooo predictible!!! I'm getting sooo bored with it all. This kind of nonesense is so easy to do and it appeals only to the most immature.
Ace use of "smiley" to rhyme with "glee" and "looney" to rhyme with "sea"!!!111
Very interesting piece, nicely composed and expressed.
a bit belated (cough cough) but YAY! :)
I like this; simple, but really gets a rhythm.
Y2kSlamPoet
replying on Joe-Joe's Retard Trinity Remix (There can be only one) by Y2kSlamPoet
8 Oct 2003, 5:08 PM
HPA? well, im honored- took my time crafting this one, had 3 different retard lines before tango to the drunken banjo fit perfectly.
wrote it laughin all the way, meth cackles though.. i wish i really snatched jimmies doobie.
What If he breaks into your house one night and bleeds in your funnel but? Then you'll have BRAIDS!
SHIT!!!!!!!!
This win's the first ever HORUSIAN PARODY AWARD! or the HPA (hispictos pubiescent accrusion) The first ever! That was fucking hilarious. I'm serious I was just smoking a joint and reading this and fucking rocking back and forth with a cackle cracking garulous verve emmiting from-a hole in my face. 10!
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Life on the Sidewalk (with superfluous vulgarisms) by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
8 Oct 2003, 2:10 PM
I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. Just have a look at this felched-up bumstain:
"AIDS The Wonderhorse" (Limerick) by -=Dark_Angel=-
There once was some AIDS in a [fortune] cookie
That was sold by a dunce to a bookie
For the fool had not seen
Where the virus had been
So he peddled it off like a rookie!
For lent this year I will be eating no lint.
i love the rhymes. very good KC lllooovveee it!! yes i had too much cafine. hehehe = )
hey don't worry KC. i am going through the 0s as well. though most of mine are blue. hehe you should read my poem Blue 0s are cowards. a little hard to read, but funny as hell. at least i think so. -10-
oi.. goddamn-it, i never get spelling perfect.
it was "creature of habit" that i was listening to when writing this, jarred me to full wakening in a flash.
J.B. Manning
replying on Life on the Sidewalk (with superfluous vulgarisms) by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
8 Oct 2003, 12:21 PM
Well Dark, you'll have to wait, only a short while. All the poetry I have posted at present were writing a year or two ago. I'm still developing a new style and I'd like to perform it on stage prior to posting. You'll be the first to know.
J.B. Manning
replying on Life on the Sidewalk (with superfluous vulgarisms) by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
8 Oct 2003, 12:17 PM
haha, now that's creative.
What are you talking about? haha was a real option? Interesting. I'm glad you shared that.
He accidentilly swallowed it two years ago on a bet that he was actually a robot. typo in the title, by the way.