Hostileintent
on A Lovely Surprise by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
23 Sep 2003, 7:38 AM
interesting
well worth the 9
i like it. its clever.
10
so small, so tight, so... :cough:
it's hard to get the flow just right.
I looked and tried
and another fairy died. :/
You wouldn't have a pointer to a "near rhyme" online dictionary, would you? ;) My mind isn't working so well. I've lost my moments ;)
So the here is obvious; which there would you drop? I think the second stanza is next weekest, but couldn't think of anything to do with it.
"Emery" jarred me too--maybe dump the strict rhymes here and there and go for near rhymes? Would give you more options and richer word choices. Like the core idea of this a lot.
"Did work the daedalus machine"? (I know daedalus built the maze, but seems an odd way to put it.) Keenly rendered, B.Z.B., but it seems more poem fragment than poem.
yeah, i know. i'm still racking my brain to make (fighting erosion) better in the third stanza. grrrr.
Hmm. I can't follow through the contradiction of people on poemranker following instructions. ;) Though perhaps it would become something worse. I'm not very good at such prognostication. And I think I'm too tired to be talking, as these big words are just falling out at random. Off to work...
can you believe the paucity of rhymes for memory? I tried and I tried and I tried and that's all I could think of. Then I found a rhyming dictionary and that's all *it* could think of, also. (mostly--it made up a few words, too).
thanks for the feedback. I will not give up. ;) :)
I'm not keen on emery for some reason. I suspect the stanza would need to be revised to correct and I know what a pain that can be. otherwise, this flows much better.
as fast as i was going, i'm lucky i saw the damn thing. could I have a moment on : lunge fish, please. thank you. further eh? hmmm.
Take it further.
If we followed this, would poemranker cease to exist?
I was going to respond, but you took the words right out of my mouth, sir.
You never fail to disappoint
This poem is not meant to be funny. It is meant to tackle important, hard-hitting issues such as obesity. Do you find dangerously over-weight persons humorous? If so, I pity you.
Unpleasant as always. Not a good example of the genre.
This is really excellent. I laughed out loud when I read the last line of the third stanza. And again when I came to the last line of the poem.
I now conclude that -=Dark_Angel=- is not ?-Dave_Mysterious-? but I think they are friends from Trinity College as they both know the said Mr Turner, upon whom the nickname "Burgers" has been bestowed.
I like it.
just opinionated - better impact i think, because id be thinking why my poetry would be smelly undergarments instead of wondering why you told me to think upon these ponderances as if your poem was so important. :P