god'swife
on Empty by leviathan
18 Sep 2003, 10:35 AM
The 3rd stanza is very good. Great images, really. You need to finish the 1st line though, any what? Color? You've got to say something after 'any'. Also 'besides' in line two can be misconstrued, how about 'other than' or 'except' or 'if not for'? the last two lines need to be condensed, you've built a lovely flow of images here don't bog it down with an excess of words.
Tarnished as all skin turned
Angry as every dream falls empty and burns.
In the last stanza you only need say "Wrong to believe" once at the beginning and then you can go down each line beginning with
The Sun
Anything
I shouldn't
The word 'that' is completely unnecessary and ugly. Do you see?
richa
replying on reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote
18 Sep 2003, 10:31 AM
I think I meant kind of forthright/ no nonsense/ this is your truth/ you are telling the reader/ they will be told
Finely bummed. However I'd like to see something heartfelt and wonderfully meaningful from you.
Childish
Errrr, tell me what you gave what you said, what you spoke, I can;t join you touch you know you or apprieciate this poem enless you give me some specifics please. Check your mis-spells.
Ah too bad, you crap-out after line 3 in the 2nd stanza.
The last line is solid but the rest is so contrived. The fourth line is complete nonsense, and if your talking about The Judgement in the sixth line then no one can hide, not from that. Also the word 'free' implies freedom which is a good thing. It be better to use a word like void, or vacant, or without etc...
Also the title makes no sense whatsoever. The church is not the destroyer. The lamb is, or in this case the dove.
long time no see, where have you been?
thanks. :)
-smile- indeed, you are a poet. nice suggestion, but like nentwined said, it would require cutting/modifying the wheelchair bit.. hrmm.. i might write a second version.
thanks.
pullulating - pullulate (verb)
1: Be teeming, be abuzz
2: Move in large numbers
3: Produce buds, branches, or germinate; of plants
4: Become abundant; increase rapidly
5: Breed freely and abundantly
well, other than it appearing like kiddie scrawl at the start, whats wrong with it? the label "dreamer" has MANY meanings behind it, and leads to other interesting things.
your four year old niece could say that, sure, but would her saying it serve a purpose in any piece of writing what-so-ever?
what would you suggest?
DreamerSupreme
replying on reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote
18 Sep 2003, 9:52 AM
there might be a few more rewrites, the original has been.. well, mysterious. Im not sure what i intended it to mean/say when i wrote it, but i am unraveling it via rewrite, etc..
its strange when i start writing poems i dont fully comprehend, it always bugs me when i go back and go over such poems.
DreamerSupreme
replying on reflexion - dayspring to dusk (second version) by Don-Quixote
18 Sep 2003, 9:47 AM
almost irreverent? im a bit confused with that statement lol.
Dull.
nice job.
that is ok i know how you feel. if i don't write it done i will forget it by the time i have a chance too. by the way the poem that is a semi-finalst is called 'The Rose' it is here on poemranker. if you get a chance look it up.
Serves me right for not checking about the deer. I'm laid low. But what's this about the heart? The heart of a hunter? A murderous pairing? Blood lust?
Definitely your best 10