Joe-joe
replying on Help The Aged by Mr Pig
8 Sep 2003, 4:49 PM
Angel,
Beautifully put! I could not agree with you more. The book of Proverbs, my favorite book in the Bible, powerfully describes the virtues of wisdom. The irony is that wisdom is so abundently present in the hearts, minds, and spirts of our elderly....but we don't see it!! Actually we can't see it because we a blinded by the desires of the flesh!
Tad, I think this has a LOT of potential. I'm no expert, but I know a good piece when I see one. I think if you worked on it, lengthen it, focused your energy like a fine tuned lazar, baby, you've had a nice red hot spot in the middle of the board.
You have a very natural style that is fun to read. Something about the basic stucture of each stanza as being simply a well-composed sentence. I try to work that way but, I always feel like there's just too much to say. Hence the collection of bloated poems I've amassed since joining the "ranks".
I have to say I agree with you on this one, Joe-joe. Elderlys, once valued and respected pillars of the community, are rapidly mutating into little more than fossilised disableds. Carted off to retirement homes and left to whittle away the rest of their days as mere husks, the question we should all be asking ourselves is "Do they matter?".
Well?
Do they?
As society rots from the inside, and sexual immorality runs wide rife, it would be perverse to answer with anything other than "Good Christ they do matter". Age is something that ought to be revered rather than derided. It is true that the body grows weaker over time - the joints may stiffen, the eyesight may have been squandered through years of televisual input, and, in some cases, the upper epidermis of the grizzled physique may become gnarled beyond belief - but to place the emphasis solely on such deformaties would be to ignore the very essence of senility. In a world were plastics have taken over from the more traditional woods, can we really afford to cast aside the priceless blessings of wisdom, maturity, fosilisation and life-experience that ripen so succulently with age? What are we to do with these hand-me-down relics of retrospective humanity? Toss them aside like used napkins? Good Christ I hope not.
My advice would be to take the time to listen to what they have to say - you might even learn something.
Just remember to keep some napkins handy. Leakages can occur.
I have to agree with EAger. Well, mostly. I'm not sure I'd really want to see a well-considered, artistic, [yadda]... but this isn't it in any case.
first thing to work on, in my opinion, would be the flow/cadence/rhythm. Really, for starters, count the syllables. adjust accordingly. I'd also either stick with a set rhyme pattern, or not--some of the ends are halfrhymes, some not rhymes, some... eh. (you're pretty good at rhymind b and d, but the rest are awkwardly not one or the other).
to work on the content itself... that just takes time/experience/practice/trying, I think.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Something Lost, Something Gained by Irischer Junge
8 Sep 2003, 4:02 PM
I liked the thin lip keeper.
Oh no, not another one. You know, theistic belief in itself does not offend me. For once I would like to see a well-considered, artistic, non-cheezy assertion of the Christian belief. I KNOW it can be done!
This poem was written Spring Break 2002.
This poem was written Christmas 2001.
entirely unremarkable.
This poem was written Christmas 2001.
I, my secret identity being Methusela, am 969 years old, and as such I enjoyed this poem greatly. I give you 10 for "he loads his fork gingerly" alone.
Mr. Pig, good piece. Hey, can you elaborate on your suggestion for my poem, "Fury," I'm not exactly clear on what you meant. Thanks.
Mr. Pig,
It's funny, I'll be 45 soon and all of a sudden I've begun thinking about growing old. I know I've got some time but 20 seems like it was here just yesterday. Getting old in and of itself sucks...what more do the aged endure when they are rejected and tossed aside by an ungrateful community. Its a reflection of our times and the throw away society we live in. God save us from ourselves! -7- Joe-joe
We slipped in to sadness is a useful line which could be better used. For example you write it like you wore sadness (like your heart on your sleeve) all you need is a line like the 1st one but with a follow up line which really hits home.
Joe-joe has a valid point, it seems to lack substance but has the odd good line 6
Not a bad effort at all, last line lover.7
Hey JB,
A little choppy and disjointed but it does have some nice lines. -6- Joe-joe