Don-Quixote
on My Show at the Whiskey a Go Go on the 26th of August 2003 by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Aug 2003, 3:32 PM
Cool!.. play thorn apple too. :P
sorry.. but your going to be owned.
sweet. sad. dirty. opportunist.
I need help with the "face to face" line. any ideas?
yep. thanks, the eye turreting is better. obviously you're into reptile husbandry? I miss my 'guana.
i really loved this post... ^_^
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Playa been caught in their games. (revised/new) by LuckyJoe
26 Aug 2003, 10:02 AM
From your WRITING, it is my judgement that YOU cannot write and are probably thick.
Simple, beautiful, a breath of fresh air. Almost mental music. (10)
Good words, and good art. I enjoy reading your work. It's serene. (10)
I enjoyed your poem, and it held my interest. Not that I have a short attention span. I havn't owned a T.V. in eight years. With most poems, I read the first few lines and see no reason to finish. I think what they lack is a hook. Not like a hook in a Pop song, but the kind that makes you wonder whats next. I suppose it just boils down to creativity, weather it be what the poem is about or how it's told, there needs to be something unusual. Your poem was beautiful because it took me to a place I have not been. Thanks (10)
LuckyJoe
replying on Playa been caught in their games. (revised/new) by LuckyJoe
26 Aug 2003, 9:39 AM
Still missing the point. Somehow by my writing he thinks that I myself am a vulgarity, or a disparaging member of society. Still not making any sense, how can he judge ME based upon my writing. If he wants to judge my writing he may do so all he wants, but donât judge me because of my writing. If the writing has no events containing that of my own life then judging me based upon how you view my writing seems selfish, childish, and ignorant.
probably should not include thee in a poem just to rhyme.
There is an awful lot to sort through here, and it feels like you could shorten it and strengthen its essence.
the surprise at the end is made good by the reference to heir earlier on (I had presumed it was some rich bloke) and then it clicked.
bogart
rejoice! we are truly blessed!
suggestion for opening revision:
Find the difference between a bedsheet and a phone call.
Both hang off a line
Both, means for entangling ourselves
In every desire.
ecargo
on My Show at the Whiskey a Go Go on the 26th of August 2003 by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Aug 2003, 7:22 AM
Nights in White Satin?
The Whiskey--very impressive! Knock 'em dead!
Change the opener. I think the rest is great.
INTRANSIT
on My Show at the Whiskey a Go Go on the 26th of August 2003 by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Aug 2003, 6:25 AM
I'd much rather be there than runnin' this east coast shit! Rock the house, dude!
I'd love to hear n.i.w.s. ! fuck.
unconventional way to use analogy in the first line.
Sets a frivolous tone.
you repeat sheets in the final verse which is unneeded.
The jump to second verse is less than seemless.
other than that ace -8-