horus8
on faulty fate by Nirvana13666
21 Aug 2003, 11:30 AM
Sounds like you need to condense this into a fortune cookie and sit on it for another ten weeks.
It was good up to the point where you had to deliver the 'message'. Then it was a yawn.
Here are two facts.
1. A man with three kids never hops out of a toyota,
he slowly slides.
2. A man that dreams of murder? Does not love or stay with a cheating whore. He moves on to his dreams, and better things... Like MURDERING.
You should let me show you how to improve this.
My heart bleeds black blood,
blood that I can taste,
Nice line. I like when people write and realize poetry isnât about rhyming. Your words flow freely and when read aloud seem like no other words can fit next to each other.
horus8
replying on Wolverines, me, and the last American Buffalo. by <{Baba^Yaga}>
21 Aug 2003, 11:00 AM
That depends on the direction of my bunny ears.
Stupid fucking idiots canât appreciate individuality. Poems donât have to be about pretty flowers and happy thoughts. Writing is a form of expression and I think your writing is awesome because I get a feel of what youâre feeling. Your words are piercing and I truly enjoy reading your work. Donât let these fuck turds discourage you.
Note: Creative Criticism is about helping the writer get better at his/her form of writing. When you just put a writer down you do nothing to enhance their talent.
i do not understand your line breaks.
Thanks for the tip. You're right, when I remove it and read it, sounds better. Thanks.
Not good.
grab away,
Good, quite political I think, but does not descend into a rant because the language is fresh and original.
I see socratic teaching from the wise one.
I'll bite: it was just a defence of something for somethings sake. Kind of like part of a finished plan (every hair is numbered etc).
beautiful is not useful, that kind of thing
this is a poem, not a manifesto
Hehe I'll take a look through some of my new shit and see what I've got. This was a new one... and its not so much a poem... its kinda ment to be a song. And yes its missing a beginning. Its uncooked due to being a song rather than poem. *goes to look at some of his new stuff that he can post on Sunday sometime*
Wine? Pernod? Absinthe? Assuredly. Dirty water? (Didn't he die young of disentery? Oh--nope, diptheria. Nevermind.)
Stay thee away.
nice one shakespear.. i really liked the ending, i think it was the best part of the whole poem.
heres a 2
what the fuck are you babbling about?
"disguised by fate, brought together by immortal
suffering"
ok.. cute.. that really adds a cherry to the whole thing.. and your title is shit.
heres a 3
well damn, cmon now, was my latest piece a lazy fart?.. ;/
shall i call you ismael?
i think you mean subscribe:
I do not _subscribe_ to a strict code of ethics.
i'll bet georges liked his peas.
i wonder what he drank?