Joe-joe
on How A Panhandler Kills by SupremeDreamer
21 Aug 2003, 4:02 AM
Yo Dreamster,
This is really nice work. I'm not sure I'd classify it as poetry but it had all the elements of a well thought out, mature, and meaningful story. I think the perspective offered in this piece is on the money and PROFOUND. Good work. -9-
"And how many times must I wish upon a falling star"
and? wheres the beginning? JOE??? cmon man, just look, read that.. doesnt it make you wonder whether its a
continuation of some earlier stanzas?
the rhyme is forced into a rigid form.. and frankly, the whole damned poem is cliche.. your sentences are undercooked.
forget attempting to fix this thing, because your looking at a complete rewrite.. be brave, move the fuck on, and stop saving whatever the hell your writing saying "its not worthy"
pfff.. dont become a pussy.
no im not. ;/ ok ok, i wont argue.. bleh.. you never fail to ride my ass, thanks. shall do better..
I'll do you a favor: ill be less assholic than usual for you.. [i feel like im giving in..] but dont be fooled, im going to be fucking harsh, and i wont always be polite.. infact, actually, im going to be blunt.. like always.. cept i wont be so rough.. ok?
BTW, you have a fucking strange idea about poetry requiring profoundness.. which is idiotic. poetry isnt only bible versed you narrow minded tramp.. jeez.
Its about:
Imagery, Expression of emotion, creative presentation using metaphor, simile, rhyme, meter, etc.. its taking people to another universe, its offering alternate views of life, or it can be about provoking a reader, causing him/her to think, or to simply piss them off.
its alot of shit.. not much of it has anything to do with how PROFOUND THE STUPID POEM IS.. profound is upto the reader dick.. you know why? because the way you write a poem decides whether or not it affects the reader in anyway.. profound or not..
ok, im done with my long and detailed speech.. take it or leave it, but do yourself a favor and dont just wave it off as juvenile babbling, its fucking stupid to make assumptions..
COMMENT CONTINUED:
ez-board poetry forums are basically workshops where poetry is critiqued, and theres alot of line by line revision and suggestions involved.. including people rewriting whole poems.. in a nice and polite fashion.. i go there for ideas, and to better myself in the mechanics of poetry..
I post here on poemranker to understand the soul of writing, and to be pushed around like a little punk so i get stronger, and perform better in writing.. and ive learned alot, from my enemies and my friends, though i dont let most of them know that, i play stubborn, bitch, moan, make jokes and play my chosen role.
About mr pig, yeah, hes a nice polite english gentleman, a damn good poet. But i havent gotten much advice/crit from him.. actually, none at all, but thats beside the point.
Z.. heh.. look man, Z made fun of my shit while giving me a dominatrix whipping session when she didnt think i was writing to my full potential, and it wasnt POLITE.. ok? it was fucking rude.. ;)
You should do less whining, and take advantage of the shit i say to you.. and ive given clues here and there.. you just need to look.
Im actually being all nice.. just to get a point across.. yes, your that fucking stubborn.. LuckyJoe wasnt this fucking thick skulled..
Do me a favor btw, stop talking down to me as if i am some child, i might be younger than you, but that has nothing to do with my experience in life, or what i know.. I dont need some fatherly friend to save my ass when im not even in danger.
And: GROW THE FUCK UP. yes, do that by WIDENING your vision.. stop thinking in such a fucking narrow fashion.. ignorance is being unwilling to understand. Try to fucking jerk your brain out of that static way of life and start exploring the world around you.. just because you learned to think this way due to the life you lived doesnt mean its the fucking only way, and definately doesnt make it the best way.
Its not what i chose to make it, thats how it was when i came here man.. and theres no need to get all angry about it and be all high a mighty saying you dont want to play with the monkey, when your the hairy ape that doesnt comprehend the universe that you fell into.
You know, about my game needing to be worked on: ive been working on it since i was 13, and continue to do so, i have not stated EVER that theres nothing i need to improve upon.
And dont worry about my progress, its doing quite well, I have leaped my ass across hurdles in my writing and have become stronger as a poet.. and i did with help from this website.. you want to know HOW the folks here at poemranker helped me?
They fucking spanked me silly, crushed me into pieces, laughed at my work, called it shitty, etc etc etc... I got clowned 20000 ways from sunday.. and you know what? It caused me to evolve.. and i continue to evolve.. because i had every asshole on this site making my life hell.
I WAS being constructive man.. i turned that one poem of yours into a complete joke while stating exactly what was wrong with it, except you never took it seriously, didnt even think about looking at it carefully to see what i was saying.
Your telling me i need to work on my game? lol.. pal, i can write more creatively than what you can fart at the moment.. no, im not the most creative, original, or amazing writer around, if that was the case i wouldnt be here... well actually, i probly would because well.. i love this place.
and, about being brutally honest.. cmon now.. thats exactly what i was doing.. do you think i actually take the time to parody someones work if i dont think they could possibily write better? pffft.
Dude, we need to get you a scanner.
How bad do you want a ten?
I really liked this up until its taudry end.
You are missing out on a lot. And further more are horibbly closed minded because of your troubled up bringing. Troubled, in the meaning of there not being enough to help your square slice of America, round a bit. WAKE THE FUCK UP.
When I point you'll know because, your brain will be doing pull ups off of my index finger while a yacht toots in approval in the distance, and my forearm is a sweet street sign through your left eye.
Scoundrel, you could have at lisped quoted me.
I know... is it to camp? Do you think? I'm just to perplexed. Perhaps I'll smoke and think about the diaper of longevity.
whatttttt the fuckkkkkkkkk
Did you mean carcass?
I once sailed to Catalina with my friend, and the boat started leaking and i screamed like a crooked wristed woman and run amuck in a tiff.
Now we have something in common. Because, when I laugh hard enough to fart and gag? It's usuall upon recollection of your face and your bovine poetical tamponing.
If I hadn't already parodized this, I would.
L3 is crapped up.
and l7-the end is
hard to read without sleeping.
You mean cpr and shock padles, right?
Wait is your muse your whole genital region or just the shaft??