INTRANSIT
replying on Optimism, pessimism and my quarter theory by INTRANSIT
17 Jul 2003, 2:12 PM
I know. there's no segway there. I'll iron it out when I'm sittin still longer than 3. Christ! Miss you all.
The Ballad of Cletus Rollsabout. A touching piece, and stimulating.
Wheeled Chairs Of Your Mind (Lyric) by -=Dark_Angel=-
Something did a massive dollop
And it landed on my head
Why did someone eat that turnip
that was dangling by a thread?
Could you please remove those sandals
and that oversized balloon
You've inserted in my anus
I look just like a baboon
Someone stole my last cucumber
And my only deck of cards
And a giant oblong panda
Has exploded in my arse
Both my buttocks have been crippled
And they look like scrambled eggs
Now that motherfucking freight train
Has run over both my legs
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the wheeled chairs of your mind
needs a bit of insight/ something new to say to compliment the imagery. Like the pretzel bit though nice to have a joke that becomes obvious when it is told
a thought is never heard? how do you access your own thoughts then? Does it become apparent only when you open your mouth?
I do like the flow of this the last line spoils it though, a bit too pretentious
So if the world is your oyster and the girl is your pearl, who does that make the swine?
who will write a love poem like this in the next century. A few million I would have thought!
Some good points through I like the abrupt end to the first verse and second
like hostile as a car bomb and the use of line breaks (prostitutes that pull/)
fourth verse is like an eminem lyric, funny
Don't be silly of course it can. lol. No, but it was the title typo that bugged me earlier, and also, this is a freeverse.
I quite like all the daft words you use. It could almost be a nonsense poem or a surreal poem. Bloombrellas is my favourite
See, to me, this has all been down to death. Does that mean it's not good or worth it's meaning to you? No. So here.
gracias
sweet images in the first verse well fitted together.
not sure about the direction it took in the second verse. But I like poems that introduce themselves before later revealing the plot
Oh! you mean Nigger hole? Yeah, well my black friends don't mind, they understand that the nigger this poem is about is anything but black, and besides as a poet... I have the final decision in all of my word choices, and I'm kind of bored with how people enpower these words to do evil when they are only a sequence of letters in a sequence of words and lines and paragraphs used to communicate thoughts and stories until we can eventually telepathicly talk, then all of this nonsense about fag, nigger, kyke and blee blow will be a diminishing flicker from a collapsing sun, anyway.
No, not at all, I do like to write thick and come back in a month for a trim down, so you're right. I just wanted to make sure you knew what in the hell you were talking about first, and you do, how's that? Fair enough? See, I'm not a bad guy (though my poetry has been shelled off of the best list) I just don't enjoy being ranked by morons, but I agree, I thought it started to dilly dally, I had wanted to end it after the fourth stanza anyway, that's what felt natural at the time. It's just that there was so much I wanted to say about what I witnessed, you know?
pardon, where are you anyway
You must agree that the second half of the penultimate stanza and the whole of the last stanza are a waste of space reminiscent more of a holiday diary than a poem. These lines are narrative "chit chat". I hope I'm not being unduly negative. I should stress that I love the first part of the poem. Please try to accept a bit of constructive criticism for once.