horus8
on Shut Up (Angry Progression) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
17 Jun 2003, 4:32 PM
"But the other half is smarter than that
Oh wait! Did I say that?" it's great up until here, than it pooters out. replace that with "You're lucky I'm on vacation" or something to that effect. It shows possibility and humor, both of which you need in a piece like this.
That is EXACTLY why I wear fatigued dockers.
ha! somebody 1 you, fucking bastards, pimple juiced your dockers!
Ah yes, my cigerette, crushed by the bitch in red and high heels.
Put a beat to this and it'll fly high.
swell, just what I need. more people waiting for me.
yup. itsa doozie alright.
ohshure. go for the obvious why don't we. AND I would've stayed in the reptile section. if that had been the case. also, it's still your cigarette. it' just on the floor now.
Yes, it is, but use everything instead of infinity because infinity is just to afterlife for poets in the 'now'.
Good lad Horus kickass move on your part.
I am about to enter 10 poems all in the names of 'actors' from Dallas, here are the entries I hope will 'be considered for our highest prize'.
Actors..................................
No being ignorant myself your highness, I love my ignorant fellows. You want me to stop posting. Right away my Lord. This Instant. I mean fuck freedom of speech, or expression. Please put more words in my mouth Master so that I might enjoy the stinging taste of your cruel, vindictive wit, which I so Earnstly Deserve.
P.S. I loved your reading of netwined poem. Absolutly Riveting, and Dare I say Funny(What is sad is that isn't sarcasm I really was busting a gut for well over 2 minutes).
Bishops ! I mean what the fuck are they? what do they do? other than conspire, rape, manipulate the very peace they are supposed to promote. Most of them are all fudgepackers with a penchant for ass trophy's. Those robes they wear would scare the shit out any child going to be 'initiated' fuck no, save our kids, preserve their innocence.
Kitch, Take my advice, lose the ryhme. Sometimes it works for you but most often it hampers, instead of helping your poems. It just tend to hold them back. Nice image "drown in sunshine on the lake" by the way. -7-
Noted !
and thanks for the suave advice I get it. By the way H8 i have a shit load of stuff still to enter which might be fat. When I have written a new poem I will let you know and you can see if its matured.
I wanna learn from the Yoda's of Poemranker so come on y'all help me out here, I'm a young buck in a strange town and I need some !
Thanks for the advice I have listened and changed, adding a replacement line for those pesky Angels.
Yep ! think this is better than the one I wrote on the shitter.
When you say "I love ignorant people", what you meant was "Ignorant people really irritate me, but if I said that then people wouldn't like me, so I'll say that I love them, which hopefully will make me seem carefree and easy-going". In conclusion, stop posting.
Again horrible 1st stanza, I'd ditch it all together. Other than that not bad, borderline cliche, at parts the ryhming works, in others I wish you'd just come out say what your saying how you'd say it naturally(i.e. you stopped ryhming third stanza, and it should have stuck that way). -7-
Learn to be "Friends with Benifits" -6-
I hated the first stanza, it was shit to be honest but the rest works well for the most part. There are some nice lines here, and some shitty ones too. I loved "Identity was divorced from liberty", quite smashing indeed. As for Angels I can see you haven't met our own -=Dark_Angel=- and all I can say is may -=Jesu=- Be as kind to you as I am. -9-
I love ignorant people. Take a Closer look. The words Hat, Business Suit, and Gentleman's Shoes(which should actually be shoe)are all Capitalised. Instead of my typical random capitalisation it has a purpose. Here is another hint for you, innocence's grave, dancing, succes, failure. If your still missing it your mind isn't far enough in the gutter.
"Written from the quills of laughing Angels,
Who fuck our lives up because their bored." Lose this line, it's ridiculous, if you believe thjat you're insane. combine the word intransit, "It's" you have as its "a politician" change to in politicians, "insecurity" pluralize and "infinity" change to everything. Then, my friend, you'll have it.