-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Desired Height by Wulf
17 Mar 2003, 6:51 AM
I like the way you add ethnicity and authenticity to your words by abbreviating them!!!! 10!!!!!!!!!
its not that bad, but it could be better the end is teen magazine style
not much shape to it, reads like a rough draft but its got potential
It's 'it's'.
It's 'Jesu'.
It's a pile of toss.
The boy who told you you almost gave him an orgasm by kissing his neck was lying, and you are a fool for believing him.
I was salivating like Homer Simpson over a can of Duff reading this, loved all of it but the last bits to sickly, please remove it, all you wanna go for is sensual and you sold it to me.
Love to meet you pissed. 8
line 3 very clever, america is eaten by greed, finger licking good connection of freedom, really kicks the ass of irony so hard it pukes from the mouth.
Last stanza is it needed? 8
I hope this gets the recognition you deserve here for this adventurous piece. I see where you could have been inspired about this after reading Corinthians 14:2,9, lots of fun in this to be found, hellenic culture, doctrines and I am trying to study this to find the connections I think your writing about. Cant really vote till its absorbed. Polished balls though for finding such a subject, nice one
Like your comment then Sir ?
I hope you will take this the right way. I want to make a comment that is tricky, because maybe this is based on real life and maybe the friend you forgave really did die.
BUT...it has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the poem. It's like we're going along and you're setting us up for an emotional payoff and then the payoff is accidentally the last line from a completely different poem. It renders the preceding poem meaningless and absurd. You could fix this really easily, and keep the personal meaning for yourself, by saying something like "The day an enemy died" (that's a cheesy line, but I don't mean to write it for you just suggest a principle)
Do you understand what I mean? The poem is about forgiveness, not death, irregardless of whether your friend in real life died.
thanks z! I'm glad you made me throw away the original last line of 1. I found lots of goodies searching for a new one, images that will twirl in my head for a while.
Please tell me more. I wrote this in two minutes from start to finish without even so much as an image in my head before I started, years ago, and though I've looked at it many times haven't changed it except to add an "a". I don't know where to start.
Response to it read out loud is pretty good, all that syncopation, but it failed in print (on the street at least) and I always wondered why because for me it's one of my favourites. I'd love to make it work, if I had a clue how. Problem is it works so well for me inside my own head that I can't step outside and see where it's not working for the non-me reader.
What jumps out to you as obvious influences, apart from the overall tone being charles B.-ish? I had always felt all the images were fairly original??
That's because I'm madly in love with Rebecca Pigeon and have been for years.
Jeremi B. Handrinos
replying on Looks like war, but tastes like chicken by Jeremi B. Handrinos
16 Mar 2003, 8:01 PM
Aint that the truth. I'm learning.
Ah, god's wifes good, but you know, she's tempermental.
I don't know if she'll keep the job or not, but whatever
she does i'm cool with it, as long as she goes to school too.
What's up with you these days. Writer's block?
You swear fucking more than Mamet. the last one takes the cake. Can't say I am all that fond of the others. But what the fuck, eh.
the song remains the same, migster.
poetandknowit
replying on Looks like war, but tastes like chicken by Jeremi B. Handrinos
16 Mar 2003, 7:46 PM
So she is staying or not. Or is it still in the thinking stage. Money is money, but the key is free food. Of course, with management comes the worry of being tied up in the back room and pounded on the head for the safe combination. Or Ornella coming in on a Friday night and ordering everything on the menu and the running out just as it is all at the register. She would do something like that, I suppose. And then say it was an acting lesson. How is GW anyway. I haven't talked to her in ages. Well, it is good to see you are finally making the rent on the pen. It is never good to be all talk.
Jeremi B. Handrinos
replying on Looks like war, but tastes like chicken by Jeremi B. Handrinos
16 Mar 2003, 7:39 PM
Since I started making some okay money writing this script, she no longer has to work there, but they're making her a manager and she's getting fonder of the increase in money and responsibilities involved with that. Perhaps I should tease her like you and be a real man huh? We'll leave that charming subject matter for you and your highly celebrated opinion on domesticated woodland critters to decide. Glad to see you still going for the ball sac though. It's good to know the difference between your dentist and your mechanic this day and age.
Some pretty good writing in here surrounded by obvious influences that take the voice from your own. Find out who you are in this piece and make it work. A thoughtful rewrite would clean things up.