==Doylum
replying on The Cheetah (dedicated to zzinnia) by Mr Pig
28 Feb 2003, 5:36 AM
Well?
Bumface
Delightful my Dear girl, bloody well done.
By Jove what a surreal piece of lit. You do really need to be more precise with what you are trying to convey here. This could be a rich purse of sovereigns but you've not tied it. I do like the line 'when I awake I am bleeding' its quite affecting but one needs to improve the context and enlighten the reader more as to what the bloody point is. I will give you a 5 for effort but take your time when writing poems, lock on to the emotions that make sense or else no soul will know what your talking about.
I wish you well.
God Speed !
This is an epic work of true beauty. 10/10!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
Needs a bit of work on the rythm just to make it flow a bit better. would sound pretty googd as a song-sort of range against the machine stylee typa thing!
The poem was called "Someplace East of here" I wrote someplace West of here.
Oh how delightful you have made a couple of amendments to the poem. I feel this may or may not help you. What you must try and engage here is the derelict open spaces and smells in the hospital, think of something fitting to connect that emptiness of the hospital corridors to the emptiness of ones emotions. If I ever walk in to a hospital the smell, and sounds always remind me of my late Aunt Violet. The last line is sweet young man but one thinks it would be beneficial for one to leave this poem a while and come back to it rabid with inspiration.
I bid you good day young sire.
Whatever happened to Babitt(sp?)-I miss his work, it had a nice quality about it. Please re-post it, if not I would love to share West of here with some literary friends of mine.
Absolutly pitful i'm sorry no talent at all. Dark Angel is way better with his AIDS poem PS sorry to be so harsh please don't take offense :)
Perhaps you need to choke to death on pink champagne and give yourself a waiver back onto the little yellow bus Attie?
Perhaps you need to go to Dictionary.com and look up "waver" and "waiver"?
Perhaps you swing pipe. though small and just an elbow joint with a little sodder and brazing... who knows, free plumbing. Your spelling of field is really worth the read though, i would imagine, right?
"four calm winds" this part does not fit in the hospital. Try changing it to "clean white sheets".
I recieved the magazine today. It looks delightful. Thank you so much for everything. You are a true friend Z. and a great writer. I will give you my feedback perhaps later on the phone. Cute pictures. Very interesting blood line. Cheers.
Horns a velvet.
yes sir (tug of forelock) sorry sir (tug of forelock) thank you sir (tug of forelock) Tug of forlock tug on forelock tung on forelock tug on forelock tug on forelock tug on forelock tug on
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I make you wet?
did mother never say "it's not always about you darling"?
of course its about my cock you cock
I love most of this but I'm confused by the last line of the 4th stanza. Witness to their what? Or have I missed something. I think I'll come back to this soon. I would also be grateful if you could tell me what you think of my latest efforts.
Wow, you would know. 9/11/01?
what will we do if the next attack comes on a date not so symbolically pleasing like say 7/11/03 Will you call that "fucking big gulp and two lotto ticket day with a pack of menthols please, Hadid?" Do us a favor, move to Iraq and hold the bullseye.