nentwined
on 2 from 6 by INTRANSIT
19 Jan 2003, 4:01 AM
'till is spelled more properly 'til (as it's short for until, not untill)
I can't say I really get either of these, or them together, nor the title.
huh. I like.... the syllabic flow. it seems perfect. but I'd like a tad more rhyme, a hint other than the chopping of lines, the addition of commas where they wouldn't belong in prose, and use of imagery that this is poetry.
the statement/thought is cute, though.
there's something to this and something not. it being deep into your head makes sense, but still while there we could have a guide making the seam between us and there smaller; ease us in and then splatter us against the wall. I need more of a cohesion (and a flow) to really get into a piece and be satisfied at the end, though I like your last stanza a lot for some reason.
didn't really work for me. the beginning was blah enough that the hah at the end didn't do it.
Sound like the last dance saved8.
nice ideas but they are presented with a total lack of subtlety. especially that last line. i guess its 'honest' but its like you just put this closed idea out there it leaves nothing to the imagination, offers no nuances. otherwise the rest of the poem is pretty good.
vomitrocious...i'm sure you're sig. other really loved this but no one else gives a shit this sounds like a million terrible pop songs that have already been written absolutely nothing original going on
hmm first stanza is full of kinda cliched imagery/ideas and i'm all for the invention of words in poetry but 'satirety' is completely unneccesary (dont worry the world wont end if youre not rhyming). its 'satire'. thats the noun form. think it gets better as it goes...the last stanza has some redeemable imagery....i like colorless rain but 'i resistantly entwined' feels a little muddled and such phrases as 'saddened jaded' and 'stark, motionless, alone,' they all invoke this very worn out and unoriginal feeling of regurgitated despair
thanks for the warm welcome and yeah...i know what you mean. i've been writing excessively for a long time (at least daily for 2 years) and this has kind of resulted in me going way beyond any sort of day to day language, its very very far into my head which is a fragmented and convoluted mess that uses words that are too big, i know, but the fuckidge of the tongue is purposeful because its a reflection of the fuckidge of my mind, you know?...if you can pinpoint what it is that's familiar bout my writing i'd really like to know. get back to me on that one, if you can. and i will try and post something simpler i've written sometime soon. thanks agai
you should be writing pop songs
crazy
My opinion of your poem at second glance gave me the feeling that you dug to deep, and or 'tried too hard'. which is very common at this level of poetic 'excellence'. lol. Perhaps write a pretty, and simple sonnet..to get back to nature. You use very descriptive and powerful words..to many three syllabel words in a row can play fuckidge on the tongue. If you can dig. other than that. I feel that you've gotten off here at a galloping start. I detect something familiar about your writing, but...it doesn't matter. congradulations on the 8 and poem. Enjoy your stay here.
Trippy.
i really enjoy some of the unconventional imagery you use here, it definitely gives the poem a distinct ambience which is very valuable, the kind of strangeness and surreality that is the experience of childhood, back before we had all sorts of ingrained cultural references to steer our perceptions
i'm sure what you're feeling feels real revolutionary right now but you'll look back on it in a few years and feel juvenile. honestly, how many times has the phrase 'living a lie' been used in the english language? the answer is far too many, which makes it a cliche and the problem with cliches is that they usually have a severe deficiency of potency. also, you're mostly talking about abstract concepts and not utilizing much concrete imagery and the concrete imagery you do utilize sparks little in the imagination. writing without punctuation is fun and makes us pay attention to you until it goes on for so long that it feels tedious and annoys your reader. punctuation, placed appropriately, is just as powerful as lack of punctuation, and punctuating does not neccessarily represent adherence to convention, punctuation can be used in very creative ways. read some ee cumming
I really like this, its earnestly unadorned my only problem is the use of 'truthfully' in the last line, it feels to me to be a little bland of a word, way too open and vague. to me it seems the meaning you're striving for w/ this word is closer to 'appropriately' err or something that would suggest the artist is placing the score in the place where it will most resonate. truthfully just feels kind of overarching but maybe that's just because i read alot of meaninglessness into the word 'truth' in general