some deleted user
on Down Again by Birdman42s
3 Nov 2002, 7:08 AM
Amazing!
Very expressive, I respect that.
Thats sweet :)
Read 'A Martian Sends a Postcard Home' by Craig Raine. He did it better. And first.
I don't quite get this. Could you afford us an explanation? I like it verbally, but don't know what it's about.
Nicholas Jones
replying on St. Andrews University Marxist Society by Nicholas Jones
3 Nov 2002, 4:19 AM
The point is the revolutionaries do suck, they only pretend to be revolutionary.
Nicholas Jones
replying on St. Andrews University Marxist Society by Nicholas Jones
3 Nov 2002, 4:19 AM
SI've never been in a Starbucks, which I think is some kind of achievement. I've been into Costa and asked for a cup of tea, which provoked a look of mild astonishment. Anyway, socialists don't drink coffee, they're like Tony Benn who has a cup of tea on the hour every hour. Maybe I will write about pubs which I have known. Best pub in England, by the way, is The Windmill in Whiteley Green in Cheshire. But don't all flock there and ruin the ambience.
I like this, but there are some rough edges that need to be smoothed out. I don't quite understand how you are MacBeth. What is the game that she is playing, if you are MacBeth, and she isn't really interested anyway? It doesn't sound like she's exactly being seductive. The first four lines are beautiful, the first 6 are good. Then, I get confused. I like the coldness of the poem. In the middle, the dialogue gives life and the potential for warmth, but it slips back into that dreary winter in the end, which makes me shiver. So much potential here; smooth out those images and I'll raise my vote. 7.
You are good with rhythm. If you work on finding a way to make your reader feel what you are feeling, rather than just telling them, your work will be greatly improved. Imagine your feelings as something, even something as simple as a monster under the bed, and describe your feelings in metaphor.
great!impressive very!
I think this would be more intense if written in the first person. The metaphor is weak. I like the weight of her hopes and fears... that's good. But do her hopes really weigh, or are they just tied down by her fears? I see a competition between them.
"You could almost hear the ghosts of the typewriter pounding away at night." Fantastic.
I don't like Neal Cassady. I know he was important as a sort of catalyst in the beat generation, but he is not someone that I really have any respect for. Still, I like that line of yours.
Add an inspiring ending and submit this to the next "Chicken Soup for the Soul".
thematically interesting...it would really pack a punch with more images for the reader...the old "show don't tell" applies....how could you show a confident soul? what image might evoke that? is there a way to show her questioning herself without telling us?
This is not nice
Find a summer girl, hmm? You make it sound so simple. ;-)
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A PURIST IT MAKES YOU AN IGNORINT CUNT.
I have some very sad news to report to you all. Horus8 has smoked himself retarded. His poems and comments might seem a bit confusing from now on.
no wonder it took so long to discover this one. but there you were blowing the wind in the worst list.
yes