Frass
on The Funnyman by Christof
2 Nov 2002, 9:49 AM
Haven't given a 9 in awhile. Reminds me of the line "squeezing out sparks" by Graham Parker. After reading this, I'm going to finally rent "Lenny" with Dustin Hoffman playing the role of the comedic genius Lenny Bruce.
THIS TITLE IS EXTREMELY OVERUSED.
Take four heaped spoons of issues, and let them simmer gently. Stir in a background of petty theft and juvenile delinquency then bring to the boil. When the male prostitution has browned, empty the contents into a small trailer park, taking care to remove any stray parents. Add 16oz. of chopped narcotics, together with the zest of three superman haircuts. When the tequila has been absorbed, blend in the voice of Leon Spencer from Sniper, along with the uncompromising attitude of a ballsy Y2K slam-street poete. Garnish with a stint in military prison, et voila! Spagaytti Bullshitaise.
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You should have told her veggie pizza may make you less fat, but it still makes you fat (fattie).
Skip to the part where you buy an imac and start writing poems.
barried -> buried?
Otherwise, well done.
I get that way when I take my uppers to late in the day. My advice is to do something really, really tiring before you sleep.
Also, I wrote another Welsh poem, it's less silly.
You have some very original lines:
tombstone podiums
sandpaper handshakes
etiquette is lost to the
monotony of the day.
-These are my favorites. My only problems are with the layout and grammar.
I really enjoyed this poem.
I feel like I want a little more with this, but maybe that's just me. It is nice to see something short and sweet. You missed a dot on your last elipsis (sorry, I'm nit-picky ...I appreciate when people notice little things like that for me).
*shivers* I think I want a little more, but maybe not ...
This is a sweet poem, I hope you shared it with your mother.
You open up with 'I have nothing to write about' then continue with some really interesting lines. I'd rank this much higher if you got rid of the first lines and took off with the rest in another direction.
I really like this, especially the lay out. I think it's well done.
father in prison my entire life...no mother...raised by grandmother in a trailor in hell (sunvalley,nv.)....had everything i've ever loved ripped away from me...different school each year of my life....copped a drug and alchohol habit that is as smart as i am and expensive....13 months in military prison as the appropriately convenient scapecoat...lived in 27 states...made a baby quicker than a steak(in some odd effort to recreate myself, cuz i was under the impression i was going to die, because i had such a nasty morphine habit one summer, at god's wife's house).....hustler (male prostitution) in the nasty, bombastic film industry of sollywood....have had all the people i cared about the most on all levels imaginable turn their backs on me......and somehow have found a balance and understanding behind it all, instead of letting all that stagnate...i have it working in my favor, and it's becoming nucleur to say the least....in short i'm cusping, and have been trained by the ultimate of circumstances....a piss poor childhood...can do wonders, and of course you need a good fucking robust chiseled super-man haircut, and a pinky up beer tilt...sad thing is that's maybe a third of it...stick around...the time is drawing near! siddhartha and acting saved my life, if i don't perform daily...i act out in unhealthy ways...so.i write alot and perform alot...slepp and eat very little....in short..i smoke the best pot on the planet...skunk #2!
This isn't bad, but as a reader I am expecting rhyme throughout - you just stop that sequence in the middle, that makes it feel quite awkward.
You have even stanzas, but the lines are a bit lenghty. When writing about a such a popular subject it's important to keep your language fresh, avoiding cliches (I know that word is a cliche itself).
I like that this is so compact, my only complaint is the use of archaic language. More of a personal preference.
This comes off as being more of a sermon than a poem. I like very much what you have to say, but would recommend trying to take more of a 'show, don't tell approach'. Humbly suggest line-break to give your readers a pause.
Good thoughts you have here.