limonade
replying on Bein' Vegan by poetandknowit
4 Oct 2002, 9:23 PM
Funniest idea ever. Of course, whether we eat honey or not, the Tyrannical Dictator Queen Bee is going to oppress the workers, so we might as well indulge.
You're so fuckin weird... this one's cool
bumbled bees - I read "humbled bees" at first (it's late) and it worked just as well. Oh, we do torture those bees for that sweet, sticky taste of heaven...
that's not p&k.
well done!
I read this one, hated it, read it again and had to raise my score. The imagery is good. It's eery. The last line seems anticlimactic, though. If you built up to it the way you built the rest of the poem from the sam at the beginning, it may gain that punch that is missing. I think the characterisation is fine; anything more would almost be too intimate. It is, indeed, very cold.
you dawg. you always crck me right the fuck up. nice job.
this is the best i have read of yours. i liked it very much. great, sharp rhythm, macbre imagery, mood, tone...
bravo.
The essence of the poem is good, but the expression could use some work.
do you mean 'happy hour' by Limness?
okay, i agree with mrs.g in that you are off to a good start, but i think you should incorporate her suggestions and pare it down rather than flesh it out. you tend to use a lot of words, loneshadow, and you don't need to.
"Wishing I could be among the geese" says it all. there are at least 3 other lines tacked on around this one which are completely unnecessary--this one says it all. learn to cut away. this is a beautiful line. cut this poem down by half, made up of lines like this, and you will have a gem.
Fabulous extended metaphor. This one made me stop and think. I can't find a weak spot in it. The rhythm is good and the slant rhyme (chisel/skull) contrasting with the true rhyme (four/score) mirrors the poem itself: made perfect with the addition of the flaw. (I know this is really convoluted, but this is what my mind made up)
I keep getting stuck on the "and, and, and." Is this deliberate? The rhythm is very forced. Still, I love it after "Against her the hollow resonation..." It seems to find the flow here that it was lacking in the first part. The cadence of it all brings to my mind the image of a train roaring through the night, rattling on its tracks ("hollow resonation", "rhythmic dance", "swayed easy", "skipping", and, of course, "the last whistle." Those last two lines are beautiful, pure art. I could give you a 20 for them.
methinks the flaw makes the man. well done, christof! ah, the things one misses when one goes away for a spell
the night is lovely in a ghastly way in connecticut; but i am HOME!. ah. nice.
now, as to this poem, yes, it is a good idea, but is hastily and sloppily executed, and so, it disappoints. free verse does not mean lax verse.
god is neither dead nor alive. so there.
Thank you. This poem really means a lot to me.
english, eh? may i make it more official by apologizing for dragging you all down with us americans? good, then its settled...
Long live the reads, the hammer, and cabbage soup? well the thinkers and the drinkers at least.