on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger
23 Mar 2006, 9:58 AM
Good use of the Glosa. You stick to the spirit of the original quatrain. "thorn words" and "cold door" - great. The last four lines really clinch it.
on Dying for Your Sins by drnick
24 Mar 2006, 11:52 AM
I think "he's" can be dropped. "insecurities" seems inconsistant with sins and regrets. I like "all his sins" written with no apology or explanation, as if all sins are his. The last line is very revealing.
on some deleted poem
24 Mar 2006, 11:44 AM
Verse 2 is perfect.
The sipping of chocolate milk while looking out the window at the Tetons, I take as something a truck driver might do if he were living dangerously and not paying attention to things that could kill him or someone else. If I'm right, it's a good image, given that you are in a truck stop looking at waitresses with their own kinds of inattention.
I don't like the last verse so well, because I think you know these things better than they do.
The sipping of chocolate milk while looking out the window at the Tetons, I take as something a truck driver might do if he were living dangerously and not paying attention to things that could kill him or someone else. If I'm right, it's a good image, given that you are in a truck stop looking at waitresses with their own kinds of inattention.
I don't like the last verse so well, because I think you know these things better than they do.
on portholes in a floating coffin (burial at sea) by FreeFormFixation
24 Mar 2006, 12:02 PM
I thought Galivant might me some proper name, since otherwise it's just a varient of "gallivant", but found none. But since you misspelled confounded, I suppose that's all it is - a name you made up. If this is simply about a seance, I'm disappointed.
on some deleted poem
24 Mar 2006, 7:34 PM
I'm facinated with circular poems. You can start anywhere, and the thing just keeps turning. Imagine it written on the edge of a circle - all one curving line, with punctuation, but no way to know where to start.
see: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
see: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
on Time Will Change by x0lovelylarnx0
24 Mar 2006, 7:40 PM
The first two verses are said so many times in poetry that unless you say it differently, it's a big yawn. In the third verse you begin something arguably unique. But the words "You will hear" stand there with no support like a street preacher. It could be a good poem, holding the same ideas, but better formed.
on After The Snow/Diamonds And Rust by Ranger
23 Mar 2006, 3:24 PM
Your removing Dickens leaves the street scene with scarf and shawl alone to show us the old-time setting. Now we have to wait until "love arcane" and still wonder if the shawl was just a hippie immitation.
Also, Cain was to Abel as she is to you. I thought that Cain's guilt was a good way of showing this.
It's still a good poem, but not really an improvement in my opinion.
Also, Cain was to Abel as she is to you. I thought that Cain's guilt was a good way of showing this.
It's still a good poem, but not really an improvement in my opinion.
on Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face by Sunny
22 Mar 2006, 10:47 AM
A love poem that I actually love. "you that see exaggerated reality, must be kissed by love" - great.
The first verse could lose the () for a preposition with better flow, I think.
Welcome to Poemranker!
The first verse could lose the () for a preposition with better flow, I think.
Welcome to Poemranker!
on some deleted poem
22 Mar 2006, 10:34 AM
Your poems are often so filled with allusions that I don't know, or metaphors that I don't get, that I feel left out. This one lets just enough of the simpler life seep through. It speaks to me. But even I think that (only feels) can be dropped.
on Life Is Like A Rose by x0lovelylarnx0
21 Mar 2006, 6:53 PM
These are good thoughts, but not very well formed in the language of poetry. Try starting with Line 5, then 6. Line 7 seem parenthetic, and could be scatched in this poem, used in another. Next, Line 3, 4, 2. Just some ideas.
on REM Sleep by mystic enoch
19 Mar 2006, 4:14 PM
Sorry, but I can't see dreams having goals or plans. And I hardly think "refreshed" is descriptive of how I feel about all my dreams.
on Mango Pickle by amanda_dcosta
14 Mar 2006, 7:42 PM
I've never eaten mango pickle, and the seasonings you mention are mostly strange to me. Chilly would be chili where I live, and mango flesh is not white, but orange, almost yellow. I remember mangos hanging from long stems on huge trees in Hawaii. We picked them with a long pole, basket on top.
on Desolation by Beyond_Dreams
14 Mar 2006, 7:54 PM
Another way of saying Verse 7 is "I don't have to sacrifice who I am to be happy with you." That's nice either way.
on Indianapolis Since by matt door
14 Mar 2006, 7:45 PM
Seems like "the love of young wishes" should be "the wishes of young love." A nice sentiment.
on Settling in by INTRANSIT
13 Mar 2006, 3:11 PM
A good bed-time read until I come to emotional responses in your fixtures, "in approval" or "adoringly." I'm not sure I like a snooping floor.
on Dashboard Jesus by wilco
19 Mar 2006, 4:36 PM
Line three has an extra "the" and an inconsistently lower case "and." Line 4 needs a period, since the others do. And if you're into line-end commas, put one after s2l5. But the major stuff is really good.
on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger
13 Mar 2006, 8:19 AM
Well done with a difficult form. It's not entirely fair to point out story glitches in a vil, but indulge me. The girl begins crying, destraught. Then, in verse 3, she is merry. From there on, it flows well.