on Lick up your ears by Dental Panic
4 Mar 2006, 9:51 AM
I laughed and related - a good read.
on Wet Paint (A Blond Point of View) by Miggy
3 Mar 2006, 1:08 PM
How do you bring her her hidden lusts. She already has them. Maybe you mean that you reveal them.
The last verse is good. The first verse and the chorus have potential, but need work.
The last verse is good. The first verse and the chorus have potential, but need work.
on happy, but cautious by hendrimike
4 Mar 2006, 9:56 AM
Yes, a Tennessee evening, tobacco tall, corn in from the field, all is well.
on girls get your guns by FreeFormFixation
4 Mar 2006, 9:59 AM
"open fire, open up" ?
on goddess of the harvest by calliope
4 Mar 2006, 4:27 PM
Persephone was the daughter of Zeus and Demeter, abducted by Hades (Pluto) to be his wife in the lower world: identified with the Roman Proserpina. How is she goddess of the harvest? Otherwise, I like this.
on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp
6 Mar 2006, 12:48 PM
Some good thoughts here, but they seem forced into a haiku-mold.
on Brethren, oblivion is not the road to the city Ataraxis II by SupremeDreamer
7 Mar 2006, 12:53 PM
I was starting to get into this - understand your viewpoint, when I hit Verse 5 and the sudden introduction of the character "He." Since "brethren" is such a religious-sounding word, I assumed "He" is God and proceeded past the bump. Then as it gets back to your conundrum, I thought of Paul, and his sorting out of mixed pullings in writing to the Corintheans.
I don't see this as preaching, even though you're speaking to the brethren, but as trying to settle a chaotic mind.
You might want to reword, "do not restrain your tongue, offering words of quick apology or gracious forgiveness & accession," as it seems to conflict a former statement.
I don't see this as preaching, even though you're speaking to the brethren, but as trying to settle a chaotic mind.
You might want to reword, "do not restrain your tongue, offering words of quick apology or gracious forgiveness & accession," as it seems to conflict a former statement.
on letting go too much by calliope
7 Mar 2006, 12:13 PM
The last line cliche is disappointment.
on Portals to you by Caducus
7 Mar 2006, 2:32 PM
Number disagreement in every verse but 3 i.e., plural/singular. Portals are lint ghosts, for example, not lint ghost. "twelve goodbye's" should be goodbyes. Some missing commas. But I like the dawn of 12 goodbyes.
on thanks for shutting up by FreeFormFixation
7 Mar 2006, 12:14 PM
Great title.
on some deleted poem
7 Mar 2006, 1:34 PM
I'll comment on the meter, since the rest has been said, and I agree. The meter is great, especially verse 5.
on The Tale of Hominus Ominus by Blue Magpie
10 Mar 2006, 3:26 PM
Very good. You built the case for Ominus needing Aggapus, but for the reverse to be true, as you say it is in the last verse, we need a strong example, as in the former. "no-one" could be no one.
on Iâm unsaid and dead by Prince of Void
10 Mar 2006, 3:36 PM
How uplifting this is! You cannot imagine how words like "I drop tears upon the last hope," tears of joy upon realizing hope's fulfillment. And "How less I effort to put the pain away," just shows the pain-relieving medicine of a happy soul. Yes, "All words are absurd" in such happiness.
on Stella 130 by BenRice
9 Mar 2006, 1:33 PM
A good-dog poem, but a bit wordy and cumbersome, i.e.:
"If coal is black" seems trite. Why not just "As coal . . .
"greyhounds that race" could drop the "that."
"long tail is wagged" Passive voice could be made active.
And If her name is stella, why not make it the last word?
"If coal is black" seems trite. Why not just "As coal . . .
"greyhounds that race" could drop the "that."
"long tail is wagged" Passive voice could be made active.
And If her name is stella, why not make it the last word?
on the comet by pollywolly
9 Mar 2006, 1:37 PM
Does it really fly? is it a burning sphere? and it draws nearer or farer, I do believe.
on no title by mystic enoch
10 Mar 2006, 3:30 PM
Title: "Prince of Void"
The line, "Free me from the world that I linger in," has a prayer-like tone and a "that," neither of which seem appropriate
The line, "Free me from the world that I linger in," has a prayer-like tone and a "that," neither of which seem appropriate
on Desolation by Beyond_Dreams
13 Mar 2006, 7:58 AM
Could do without so many uses of "my."
on Boundaries by Dhanesh M Kumar
13 Mar 2006, 8:01 AM
I don't get the first verse. The second verse picks up some catchy phrases and rhythm. Only the last two lines geve some clue on what you might be saying.
on We Do Not Write About by faithmairee
13 Mar 2006, 8:10 AM
I think it would be stronger using "I" instead of "we." Some people do write of what they don't know. To say that you do not, is really the only thing you can say.