on Iron Sky by MacFrantic
22 Feb 2006, 11:25 AM
"Pollack praise her colorful retort" uses the telling word "colorful" and needs a comma after "praise." Would be better to show a colorful retort.
on Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick
22 Feb 2006, 7:13 PM
I was disappointed that you didn't build on, "which was thicker: the smoke or the smooth rhythms."
I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray"
But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm
and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story.
Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.
I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray"
But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm
and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story.
Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.
on Darker Days by oneglove
24 Feb 2006, 11:19 AM
Have you read "Savvy in the City: San Francisco" by Jane Young, especially page 4?
Steamer trunks of darker days, speaks of perhaps the Titanic, and twin saphires set in snow of perhaps a skull. I think of deep dives into ocean and memories and a good read.
Steamer trunks of darker days, speaks of perhaps the Titanic, and twin saphires set in snow of perhaps a skull. I think of deep dives into ocean and memories and a good read.
on Harp Song of the Prawne Men by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
25 Feb 2006, 1:51 PM
What was his name? You must have loved him very much.
on some deleted poem
24 Feb 2006, 10:53 AM
"to awaken the dust" - awakening dust
"The strangers" - strangers
"Firmly uninterested" - uninterssted
"boredom-faced" - bored-faced
"the classic" - classic
"the City" - city
"the more sedate" - sedate
"makes The roads tremble" - trembles the road
Okay, I'm picky!
"The strangers" - strangers
"Firmly uninterested" - uninterssted
"boredom-faced" - bored-faced
"the classic" - classic
"the City" - city
"the more sedate" - sedate
"makes The roads tremble" - trembles the road
Okay, I'm picky!
on some deleted poem
27 Feb 2006, 6:35 PM
A frescoed ceiling in the chancel between crucifix and altar. These old stone cathredals are forceful like this.
on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger
1 Mar 2006, 4:38 PM
The title is very appealing, but the delivery? - well. He is apparently like Atlas, has his own telescope, but unlike telescopes, his is not a receiver of light, but a beacon lit. "Thin gold ring"? - brass maybe. Cocerels are young male chickens, which do not crow like the roosters they become.
Still, the astronomer dying at dawn is a good image, which perhaps you can build upon.
Still, the astronomer dying at dawn is a good image, which perhaps you can build upon.
on Flower of Life by longships
27 Feb 2006, 4:39 PM
I suggest cutting half the words, which I think will make it twice as strong.
Sample:
Calm as a still ocean
Warm as a summer breeze
Sample:
Calm as a still ocean
Warm as a summer breeze
on An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta
27 Feb 2006, 5:05 PM
This seems to get underway with the line: " What made you have such faith in God?" Before that, is seems cheesy and without much meaning. You can still keep it light and funny, but I think more cleverness is needed to achieve that.
From the aforementioned line onward, you're getting into the matter, but I think you could do it better with the original Goliath story and the great unliklihood that David could have slung a stone with that accuracy - that's faith.
From the aforementioned line onward, you're getting into the matter, but I think you could do it better with the original Goliath story and the great unliklihood that David could have slung a stone with that accuracy - that's faith.
on Into the Shadows I Crawl by Silverjackel
27 Feb 2006, 6:26 PM
The title should be "Anger" or somesuch, I think. Why would "this aggravates me" be true? Otherwise good.
on some deleted poem
27 Feb 2006, 5:11 PM
magnetic north does not migrate thousands of kilometers a year. Why not just say "You are North, and I am South."
on Pine Boxes (revised) by Joe-joe
1 Mar 2006, 10:45 AM
Don't you mean "reign" in line 2? And why add "supreme"? Am I repeating myself?
on some deleted poem
1 Mar 2006, 10:54 AM
Good. But I was a little disappointed with the metaphor, assuming it is one. I would rather see it more poignant and focused.
on some deleted poem
2 Mar 2006, 7:33 AM
Punctuation is inconsistently confusing. I think, "All my children . . ." is the song the girl sings, but that's a guess without punctuation, which you have told me you wish to use, with a period after "black."
Anyone who has ridden a train at night through the country will get this kind of feeling, and will therefore relate to your poem. That, for me, is what makes poems good.
Anyone who has ridden a train at night through the country will get this kind of feeling, and will therefore relate to your poem. That, for me, is what makes poems good.
on some deleted poem
3 Mar 2006, 10:21 AM
Light and whimsical. Why the ". . . " throughout? I don't see them adding anything.
on isomers by skaskowski
2 Mar 2006, 3:59 PM
The last verse is a heart-felt prayer of metaphoric rockheadedness, offered in contrition and deep appreciation for a Creator of stones and brains in parallel. The others commenting here should be ashamed of themselves for missing it.
on Under the Spoon by MacFrantic
2 Mar 2006, 3:37 PM
I like it, except for the Alligator. It's light, humorous, and humerus. (Hey, you can have that free.) Smooth up the flow a bit and go.