on It's about truckin' by INTRANSIT
15 Nov 2007, 7:58 AM
Good. Sounds real, as if you actually believe it. "having" in verse 2 sounds weak.
on Missing - You by Skamper
27 Nov 2007, 8:43 PM
It has a good rhythm and a good subtle message. Would be nice if the Word 2 pattern continued: little, quiet, secret, . . . rain/sane rhyme seems a bit forced. Verse 2 is my favorite. The last line is disappointing and vague, seems unsupported.
on some deleted poem
31 Aug 2007, 5:27 PM
When I stop laughing I'll get back to you.
on Show me the way by Joi
28 Aug 2007, 1:35 PM
Do you read Gerald Manley Hopkins? He's pretty Christian for a Jesuit. But he elaborates in such detail it becomes finally obstacle, rather than assistance. I think you do the opposite, handing us generalities without much specific life-gouging. I'd rather see you "tossed" than hear you say you are tossed, and see these "free" things the Lord gives you.
on daddy's little girl by imfine_really7
28 Aug 2007, 1:41 PM
The second half is better than the first. Tone down the self-pity in the first half.
on Some poems by INTRANSIT
4 Nov 2007, 5:42 PM
Yeah, got a few stuck the tubes. Prefer a more descriptive title; I mean describing the good ones in some cute way. Like it a lot.
on Turning British by INTRANSIT
10 Nov 2007, 5:34 PM
Ok, lets see if we can DA and SR outa the pub long enough to declare it all false. I doubt if they sing any version of Amazing Grace.
on some deleted poem
14 Sep 2007, 2:15 PM
attorceous mispeling and miss-gramer
on Dulacca - for a day by Skamper
1 Nov 2007, 8:39 AM
A nice nostalgia. Where is this joint?
on homer simpson by malpaso
1 Nov 2007, 8:46 AM
I like embiggens.
At least capitalize her name.
Line 4 adds ambiguity - good.
I don't know homer, would like to.
At least capitalize her name.
Line 4 adds ambiguity - good.
I don't know homer, would like to.
on some deleted poem
1 Nov 2007, 8:52 AM
Good expression, good ideas, may they rest in peace.
on some deleted poem
27 Sep 2007, 4:22 PM
Dismal. Those drivers in the cafe pass their rest break, talking to some cycling woman like she's got loose from it all and tell her to be careful.
on some deleted poem
7 Oct 2007, 7:01 PM
I love most of this and only wish you'd swing the rest of it over to its tender majority. "like Christ on electrodes" seems too distant from the theme to work as metaphor. "Shrapnel" also feels too sharp for such tender feelings.
on Under The Knife by PoetryIsDead
7 Oct 2007, 7:09 PM
too involved for haiku, I think. But the last line is clever.
on On Any Given Day... by Skamper
26 Oct 2007, 4:25 PM
I love "she speaks cream linen from painted lips." Too many dashes throuout.
on a bit of theory by pete
26 Oct 2007, 4:28 PM
It would be nicer if you give reasons to proclamations. I agree though.
on Winter Moon by Musicman
24 Oct 2007, 11:39 AM
This is good. I think the telling "bittersweet" opener can go. "the serpentine swell" - drop "the" I think. Actually, take a look at all the articles in verse 2.
We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.
We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.
on Bullfrog Night by Musicman
24 Oct 2007, 11:40 AM
I hate the 5-7-5 restriction some people place on haiku, which in this case requires an unnecessary "the" in line 2. Otherwise good.