replying on There by Dovina
28 Feb 2006, 9:22 AM
lol. Then my wisdom is arriving too late into your life. Perhaps some other poor lost soul I can save.
on Into the Shadows I Crawl by Silverjackel
27 Feb 2006, 6:26 PM
The title should be "Anger" or somesuch, I think. Why would "this aggravates me" be true? Otherwise good.
on An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta
27 Feb 2006, 5:05 PM
This seems to get underway with the line: " What made you have such faith in God?" Before that, is seems cheesy and without much meaning. You can still keep it light and funny, but I think more cleverness is needed to achieve that.
From the aforementioned line onward, you're getting into the matter, but I think you could do it better with the original Goliath story and the great unliklihood that David could have slung a stone with that accuracy - that's faith.
From the aforementioned line onward, you're getting into the matter, but I think you could do it better with the original Goliath story and the great unliklihood that David could have slung a stone with that accuracy - that's faith.
on Flower of Life by longships
27 Feb 2006, 4:39 PM
I suggest cutting half the words, which I think will make it twice as strong.
Sample:
Calm as a still ocean
Warm as a summer breeze
Sample:
Calm as a still ocean
Warm as a summer breeze
on Harp Song of the Prawne Men by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
25 Feb 2006, 1:51 PM
What was his name? You must have loved him very much.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 5:47 PM
Racism 1 by -=Dark_Angel=-,P.I.
I worshiped an angel in white.
Her face was all blushing and light.
So I changed my name to Dark Angel
And ceased being Charles Bernard Rangel
Hoping she’d fall for my plight.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_B._
I worshiped an angel in white.
Her face was all blushing and light.
So I changed my name to Dark Angel
And ceased being Charles Bernard Rangel
Hoping she’d fall for my plight.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_B._
on Darker Days by oneglove
24 Feb 2006, 11:19 AM
Have you read "Savvy in the City: San Francisco" by Jane Young, especially page 4?
Steamer trunks of darker days, speaks of perhaps the Titanic, and twin saphires set in snow of perhaps a skull. I think of deep dives into ocean and memories and a good read.
Steamer trunks of darker days, speaks of perhaps the Titanic, and twin saphires set in snow of perhaps a skull. I think of deep dives into ocean and memories and a good read.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 10:55 AM
Don't be. It's good to hear another view.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
24 Feb 2006, 10:39 AM
Yes, it was painful. You see, I only wanted iambic rhythm, nothing fancy. Let me count it for you:
I ONCE had a FRIEND in BLACK,
Who FELT a TWINGE in his BACK.
With BLOOD on my KNIFE,
He FLED for his LIFE,
So we NEVer quite GOT in the SACK.
I ONCE had a FRIEND in BLACK,
Who FELT a TWINGE in his BACK.
With BLOOD on my KNIFE,
He FLED for his LIFE,
So we NEVer quite GOT in the SACK.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
23 Feb 2006, 10:58 AM
The meter may be sweeter to the ear, but the meaning is lost. He was not "all" in black, just mostly. And to say that was "his" blood on my knife either tells the reader way more than I want to, or it is worng.
Yes, meter is good, but meaning is better.
Yes, meter is good, but meaning is better.
on Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick
22 Feb 2006, 7:13 PM
I was disappointed that you didn't build on, "which was thicker: the smoke or the smooth rhythms."
I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray"
But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm
and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story.
Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.
I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray"
But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm
and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story.
Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
22 Feb 2006, 4:29 PM
Come to think of it, yes. But they're always running off, and I don't know why. Just because of a little blood on a knife I happen to be holding, or because they don't like the breakfast I've prepared. Men are so circumstancial and suspicious. I am so misunderstood. :(
replying on On Looking Back by Dovina
22 Feb 2006, 11:55 AM
I've said it before, but it's so good, I must repeat:
she sliced off his penis
fried it in grease
served it for breakfast
said, have a piece
she sliced off his penis
fried it in grease
served it for breakfast
said, have a piece
on Iron Sky by MacFrantic
22 Feb 2006, 11:25 AM
"Pollack praise her colorful retort" uses the telling word "colorful" and needs a comma after "praise." Would be better to show a colorful retort.
on Matters of the Heart by Fayt
22 Feb 2006, 11:21 AM
It's a common theme, but honestly said. I think you could say is half the words though.
replying on Conflict Resolution by Dovina
21 Feb 2006, 8:40 PM
How come is any sharp wit, as you call it, not considered by you as being in poems that blow? Okay, we've got too many perverts around here to continue this thought without serious retribution, but you get my drift. You've said it before, so there must be some factor missing, in your opinion, from my poems that creeps into these trifling comments I make.
on Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy
21 Feb 2006, 8:33 PM
A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be—Abe Lincoln
Hunger not for Justice.
Yep, that about sums it up. I'd write a poem almost as good as this one if I had a few more words and another glass of wine.
Hunger not for Justice.
Yep, that about sums it up. I'd write a poem almost as good as this one if I had a few more words and another glass of wine.