on ANALYZE THIS by drnick
7 Sep 2005, 7:38 PM
If this had turned out to be an acrostic, it would have been brilliant. As it is...
on His homage to the sea by Beyond_Dreams
7 Sep 2005, 7:37 PM
Hmm. Needs a rewrite. Sharpen it up.
Heavens. Love/above. How original. Yawn.
Line 12: Put wings in the plural and get rid of 'were'. That helps the rhythm. However, for the sake of rhyme you have put that one line in past tense while the rest of the poem is in the present. It can work, but it seems odd. I'd also suggest changing it to 'down on you and I' throughout, thus adding to the five syllable rhythm threading through this whole thing (5, 8, 10, 11, 15).
Line 12: Put wings in the plural and get rid of 'were'. That helps the rhythm. However, for the sake of rhyme you have put that one line in past tense while the rest of the poem is in the present. It can work, but it seems odd. I'd also suggest changing it to 'down on you and I' throughout, thus adding to the five syllable rhythm threading through this whole thing (5, 8, 10, 11, 15).
on Watch where you're swingin' your dipthong, buddy by INTRANSIT
7 Sep 2005, 7:26 PM
Amusing. From the sheer poetical point of view, a lesser effort than what I've come to expect of you. It balances out.
on Letting Go by longships
7 Sep 2005, 7:24 PM
You get a point for using the word 'Façade'. Another for giving it a cedilla. The 'Night of a thousand white eyes' gets you a third.
The rest is dreck. Start from those two things and do it again.
The rest is dreck. Start from those two things and do it again.
on this has happened more than a few times by ay deee
7 Sep 2005, 7:21 PM
Here's a hint: stop making eye contact. Everyone you pass probably thinks you odd.
on Cat Poem by MacFrantic
7 Sep 2005, 7:18 PM
Aww. That's lovely. I'd recommend getting rid of the last line, though. It works well with it, but it seems like a touch of gilt to a lily. If you like flowers that way, on the other hand...
on The Lion and the worm. by <{Baba^Yaga}>
20 Apr 2005, 10:16 AM
Are those actually line breaks, or is this a prose poem? One can't quite tell.
on A new leaf by Damien
20 Apr 2005, 10:14 AM
By tower in Line 4, do you mean 'clap in chains in the tower'? And at the start of the last stanza, do you mean boundless or are we talking about some bounder who'S rather lazy? Just wondering.
on Jared Leto & Apocalyptic poetry. by Shardik
20 Apr 2005, 10:11 AM
You forget that it's all right to loot the world because Jesus is coming and the world will end soon, and he's given us this wonderfully rich world, and wouldn't it be a shame, and possibly an insult, if we didn't use it all up first? He'll think we didn't like his present.
As polemic it's amusing, as poetry rather less so.
As polemic it's amusing, as poetry rather less so.
on stab in the dark by not_a_philosopher
21 Mar 2005, 8:29 PM
It's a pity that you could care less, as that proves (as does the poeme, really) that you do care at least a little.
What is it with all these idiots who use that stupidly bastardised form of a perfectly sensible phrase to accidentally express precisely the opposite of what they actually mean? Especially putative poets, who ought to have at least a little sensitivity to language?
What is it with all these idiots who use that stupidly bastardised form of a perfectly sensible phrase to accidentally express precisely the opposite of what they actually mean? Especially putative poets, who ought to have at least a little sensitivity to language?
on college by i_am_the_popsicle
18 Mar 2005, 6:59 PM
I also like the students who whine about needing to walk all the way from a hall at the bottom of the hill to one at the top and doubtless wonder every morning on the bathroom scale why they weigh 200 pounds more than I do even though they're a foot shorter.
As a poeme, it's utterly terrible, of course, but I do like the sentiment.
As a poeme, it's utterly terrible, of course, but I do like the sentiment.
on Mr Zero? Your a coward. by DreamerSupreme
18 Mar 2005, 6:58 PM
Moan moan moan.
on Ga-go, Part two of that same play, the suspensefull climax. by Jeremi B. Handrinos
18 Mar 2005, 6:56 PM
A little cheesy, but not showing Ferdinand's reaction at the end is a good touch.
on the lips of your mouth by silvertongueddevil
18 Mar 2005, 6:51 PM
Why the 'eyes of fishes', which are rather boring, as opposed to their scales, which can be quite rainbow-like?
And if you're adoring someone, isn't requesting them to lift their lips a bit ungallant -- even if they're shorter, they're supposed to be on a pedestal...
And if you're adoring someone, isn't requesting them to lift their lips a bit ungallant -- even if they're shorter, they're supposed to be on a pedestal...
on My daddy taught me about being a good sport by horus8
18 Mar 2005, 6:47 PM
Ah, horus. I love the 'learning disability called nepotism' but the rest, I find, falls short of your usual standard. Ah well.
on Im gonna draw a picture w/ a twist by ShelliAnne
18 Mar 2005, 6:46 PM
I feel I must inform you that isn't much of a twist. Lots of people have done it, dear.
on the search by i_am_the_popsicle
18 Mar 2005, 6:44 PM
'Is the Tao is the way'... How redundant.
replying on Call upon the wrath of god on ye by Imago
1 Nov 2004, 7:54 AM
Here we go again... Notice that you did not say it could be interpreted as 'Request upon the vengeance of God...'
on Call upon the wrath of god on ye by Imago
31 Oct 2004, 6:58 PM
You just proved our point three times.
'He would call the wrath of God upon them' -- NOT 'would call upon the wrath of God on them'.
'by our sins call the wrath of God and punishments upon...' NOT 'by our sins call upon the wrath of God and punishments upon...'
'the living creatures will call the wrath of God into evidence' NOT 'the living creatures will call upon the wrath of God into evidence.'
Look. Let me put it as simply as possible. You call UPON or ON something to make it do something. 'I call upon the name of God to witness my oath' or whatnot. Or you call something down on someone: 'I call hours of boring Bible-reading on all illiterate sprogs.' You can't do both.
'He would call the wrath of God upon them' -- NOT 'would call upon the wrath of God on them'.
'by our sins call the wrath of God and punishments upon...' NOT 'by our sins call upon the wrath of God and punishments upon...'
'the living creatures will call the wrath of God into evidence' NOT 'the living creatures will call upon the wrath of God into evidence.'
Look. Let me put it as simply as possible. You call UPON or ON something to make it do something. 'I call upon the name of God to witness my oath' or whatnot. Or you call something down on someone: 'I call hours of boring Bible-reading on all illiterate sprogs.' You can't do both.