on Swirls of light... by DevilTmptrss
27 Apr 2005, 2:48 PM
ABAB rhyme schemes are almost never good. It comes off as forced.
on The Watching Brother by forestchild7
27 Apr 2005, 2:50 PM
I'm not sure if this is a poem about Furries or Pagans. Either way.
on Whales by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Apr 2005, 3:53 PM
That last haiku seems really awkward and out of place with the other two.
on Your Mom, My Dad by jessicazee
27 Apr 2005, 2:58 PM
I really like this. This has the nice intimate touches that all poems should have. But what I got lost in was the (I assume intentional) rambling structure.
For instance, when I first read "the first time you threw up it was all Tootsie Rolls/Southern Comfort/cat hair," I read it as one unbroken thought, which made me wonder why someone would be throwing up cat hair.
For instance, when I first read "the first time you threw up it was all Tootsie Rolls/Southern Comfort/cat hair," I read it as one unbroken thought, which made me wonder why someone would be throwing up cat hair.
on some deleted poem
26 Apr 2005, 8:24 PM
I really like the idea behind this (and especially the first stanza) but the word choice could be better. The words feel a little mundane. It doesn't quite flow together.
on Breakfast by James Rykelangeli
26 Apr 2005, 8:28 PM
Aside from some typos, I really, really, really like the first two stanzas. After that, it's like, "I get it. Don't throttle it."
on some deleted poem
27 Apr 2005, 3:23 PM
I like this: "she wept for her baptism/throughout the exorcism/of demons as she came."
And this: "Song birds died on yolkless shells/The Atlantic left my shore/Leaving rotting shells"
A lot.
But there's got to be a better way to say "innards of emptiness" and the first two lines of the last stanza sort of tell the audience what they should already know from the rest of the poem, you know?
And this: "Song birds died on yolkless shells/The Atlantic left my shore/Leaving rotting shells"
A lot.
But there's got to be a better way to say "innards of emptiness" and the first two lines of the last stanza sort of tell the audience what they should already know from the rest of the poem, you know?
on Sailor Dress by sunset sky
27 Apr 2005, 3:25 PM
Yes.
on some deleted poem
27 Apr 2005, 9:51 AM
That's not really a poem so much as it is a series of questions. And, if nothing else, I think poetry should answer more questions than it raises.
on Smoking Clitoris with PHD handles by <{Baba^Yaga}>
27 Apr 2005, 2:21 PM
I liked the part about the Kamikaze pilot names. Everything else is nonsense. And not the good kind, either.
on some deleted poem
27 Apr 2005, 2:32 PM
Too many metaphors. It also seems to take itself maybe a little too seriously, with all its pomp and grandiosity.
on LIVE FROM CHEYENNE,WY. "The Forgeters!" by horus8
27 Apr 2005, 2:35 PM
Uh...what? Also, hey, whatever happened to Haikus just being, you know, one stanza?
There are subtle touches to this that I like, but they don't go anywhere at all.